After forever.

I won't give up we'll fight to win
To move along from where we've been
I'll sing this song for you again

I'm looking up around the bend
We're so much stronger than before
Our fraying edges on the mend.

I have these words written in permanent marker around the edge of my screen from the last time things were bad and they got better. I wish I could replace them but unfortunately, at the time, I was kinda hoping it would be one of those 'forever' things.

Another thing I had of us was a padlock attached to a bridge in Slovenia where thousands of couples have attached locks with their names on it. I did the same last summer when I was there. I was really, really happy to have someone that I could do that with, it was even his idea. I took a picture of one side of the locket, the side with our names and sent it to him, and it was sweet. I tripped up when I was writing his name on the locket so the n is all wobbly. I teased him for months about having written something on the other side of the locket that I was never ever ever going to tell him, but of course I told him anyway.

A long, long time.

That's all over and gone now and it feels like I'm on the other side of the 'forever' in my head.

I wish I could change the words around my screen, write them big and bright and remind myself never to build a house on sand, ever, ever again, and remember that for a long, long time.

Don't follow empty skies.

Once more with a smile

I feel like I've been writing blogs all night because I'm presenting all my college work via another blog and I've just updated about a month's worth of work in one go. Drained isn't even the word.

But hello, welcome to the sleepy mind of Nicole, extraordinaire and spinster.

I'm back at college and university now after a very uneventful (bar one breakage of toes which I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about) two weeks off and I can say, I have missed both college and university more than anything. College, with my weird awesome friends, the amazing food and random talk that can only come from 6 16-year-old boys and 3 18-year-olds girls. Ladder goat, that's all I'm allowed to say.

Also, I got the news that a guy who was on my course until he was arrested a few months ago (we assumed for stealing computers) was actually arrested for stealing children's used clothes and possession of child pornography which really shocking. One of those I-don't-know-what-I'm-feeling moments where I shake my head a lot. I have him on Google Plus for Christ's sake.

But yes.. Bedtime for me. I'll be glad for the last three very productive hours in the near future but right now, I want to be with my bed for a good 15 hours, though college will only let us be together for five and a half. Interfering prat.

A vodka-drenched thought.

(At least, I assume it's vodka..)

Usually look in the mirror and think, 'God, that's disgusting.' But it has just occurred to me that actually, I had fun getting this fat. Many a college canteen burger (oh-my-god-yes) went into this masterpiece.

I'm very glad my parents are more like insane awesome friends to me, because I have my dad to entertain me with alcohol and my mum to nurse the hangover that I Am So Not Looking Forward To.

I had some very crappy news today that made me feel really shitty (thank you, ex-boyfriend, my dear, for making me feel so small and making it pretty clear that I wasn't worth the effort, please stop saying you love me) (...I'll regret that tomorrow and/or the day he reads it..) but thanks to my dad and my mum and my big brother and my little sister and all my excellent friends and Mr Smirnoff I feel like I'll pull through it.

Bring it, hangover, this is the best I've felt in such a long time.

I think..

I think lying in bed, feeling a bit lost and alone with Fields Of Coral by Vangelis stuck in my head isn't too bad a place to be. Only I wish it wasn't this song. It reminds me of lying in bed with the arms of someone I loved around me, sleepy and calm and warm. And I miss that the most.

I miss the times we talked until it dawn broke, at first in Norway and then here. I miss cooking together, I miss random kissing and walking through the woods and seafood parties.

Now I have memories I can't stand to think about and fourteen games of Draw Something running simultaneously.

A tally of heartbreak.

Days since break up: 32

Times spent in the bath listening to Adele: 2

Times spent listening to The Winner Takes It All: 1. NEVER AGAIN.

Times I've caught myself saying "My boyfr- My ex-boyfriend": Up in the 40s.

Times I've browsed the self-help section in the bookshop: 4

Cigarettes smoked: Upwards of 180

Chocolate bars consumed: God. Thousands.

New cravings discovered: 3 (Butterkist toffee popcorn, sparkling water and cheeseburger-and-chips combos from college)

Number of messages saved as drafts: 12

Hours spent crying: 5. Go me!!

Rebound sex: Nil. Nix. Nada.

Weight change: -12lbs. And yet I can feel a double chin forming.

Nights spent talking to him since break up: 30.

Hell's testicles.

That's how warm it is.

Do you know Chas & Dave? They did that Rabbit song.



I lit them (well... minus Dave these days...) last week. Twenty songs that all sounded like the rabbit song - it was just about kinda sorta awesome. Buuuut of course it's music festival season here so I haven't been doing a hell of a lot workwise.

Well, except from ze day job, where my hours have been so massively cut that I spent most of last week in bed. But, I got a bonus, which is nice but it's the direct result of having premium wages cut. Balls.

But, what to spend with this money? I could be a massive big girl and not buy the blue Nintendo 3DS that I have been covetting since the dawn of time, or I could splurge and buy everything on my Amazon wishlist.

Decisions, decisions.

In the meantime, I have therapy advice and it is thus..

Angry tweeting is SO theraputic.

There's a drumming noise inside my head, it starts when you're around...

Sorry, had to quote a bit o' Florence there. That song's been following me around for weeks like the plague's nicer, more bookish cousin. You know the one.

Alas, I hath returned. And I have an alibi.

Remember my shitty laptop? It caught a virus which caught another virus which then caught a virus that downloaded viruses which made it download a virus that left my internet security swinging wiiiiiide (Nice lock. Pity the door's open.) open and so on and so on so that I got all frustrated and eventually associated everything to do with the laptop as evil, upsetting and expensive. And so the blog got put to the side whilst I used my shitty 14-year-old computer for three months. And then I bought a new laptop after Matt totalled mine by 'fixing' it and here we are.

Thrilling. I know.

So what's new? I totally missed this instragram thing. And LiLu has a name (The pwettiest name I ever heard) and Ask The Bloggess disappeared and CRAP. So much missed.

Me? I hit eighteen and got some tattoos. I'm a frickin' adult now. Rawk.

Tattoos: Boobage (Ow-fuckety-ow) and shoulder blade (Mmmm...)

                                  Click to enlarge, I guess.

Oh. And I got into college. Woopah! And debt, but that's another story. But not a long one so here: I got a storecard from work out of the goodness of my heart and now I owe too much money (I hate owing money) and the deadline is like 4 days before payday with 30% interest on the total amount. Oooshit.

But that is a basic summary of events, anyway. I'll blog again soon when I'm not caught between two-to-four jobs. Ciao!