Another reason why processed food is baaaad.

This morning I was woken up to "Get up, we're going to the co-op."

I should have been suspicious. We never shop at the co-op.



The co-op, ladies and gents, is a store, specifically a food store. It's your average local convenience store, big enough for odds and ends, but no good if you want to fill your fridge for a week. (At least that's what I've been led to believe. Very competitive are these supermarkets.)

Anyway, I was being dragged across York towards nowhere that had ever seen a co-op to my knowledge before stopping outside The Co-operative Funeralcare.

I turn to my mum: "I thought that was a joke!"

The co-op. The bloody co-op do funerals.

Well. Fuck me sideways.

Turns out they do cardboard coffins as well. I thought that was kinda amazing.

You see, I, being a total tree-hugger when I have the energy (and being dead, I'd leave it to someone else), would have a cardboard coffin for my funeral because it is eco-friendly and uber quirky because it looks like something you'd bring home a hamster from Pets At Home in. It's great, only I'd be worried (in my dead, corpsey state) that if it rained the cardboard would go soggy and I'd fall out and roll into a ravine or something, because that would be something even my dead, weathered corpse would do because I perpetually have that kind of luck.

Anyway. Would you trust a food store that offered funerals with your veggies?

I'm not sure I do.

Disclaimer: Angelina Jolie is not a Nazi

Feast your eyes upon this:



Terrifying, I know, but this just happens to be her appearance in the oh-so-cheesy 'Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow' and is also the face of what tried to kill me in a dream I had recently.

It was truly a one-of-a-kind experience.

It all started off with me suddenly and, let's face it, horrifically becoming a surrogate mum for BFF Main Gay.5 and his girlfriend, when we were captured by Nazis. I started yelling about how I was pregnant and BFF Main Gay.5 was all "Excuuuuse me!" and his GF was all "WE PAID FOR A WOMB WITH A VIEW!" (!) and then loads of people from school arrived and I noticed that Angelina Jolie a la Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow was there with a wheelbarrow full of gluesticks and she was making Jordan from my year at school eat them and then he died because EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT PRITT STICKS ARE LETHAL KILLING MACHINES and then I realised that we were actually at school and OhMyFuckingGodTheNazisHaveTakenOverFulford so we escaped out of a window into a desert where we got caught and the Mummy himself invited us in to his pyramid, but after he found out I was allergic to cats he was all "BITCH!" and we had to leave.

THEN we were 'saved' by these Soviets who took us back to school and it turns out they were the Nazis' cousins and they all tried to turn us into boulders using that spray-on sealer stuff that's orange and expands when you squirt at people and/or spiders (vile little bastards...)

And that's when I woke up.

Phew. Game over.

I was of course traumatised for several days but was disappointed to see the lack of concern when I told BFF Main Gay.5 who, after I stressed that Angelina Jolie had tried to kill us, told me that it was just a dream.

JUST a dream!?

Ha. Hardly. It's the thought that fucking counts.

Helpline for all your theatrical needs.

I have something to confess.

Once upon a time I used to watch Eastenders.

What is Eastenders, you say?

Eastenders is probably the most ridiculous of all the soaps aired on TV. It's set in Walford, East End London and the characters and plot are completely unbelievable.

Thankfully I've seen the light.

Occasionally there would be a message after a half hour of some far-flung plot which would say 'If you have been at all affected by tonight's programme and would like someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to call this number, free phone 0800 etc. etc. etc.' and it was only last night when I was reliving some of the more insane moments of the show that I realised how stupid that was.

Please call if you slept with your uncle and ended up pregnant, and then your mother found out but promised to help you after banning your uncle from contacting you again, pretended the baby was hers after you somehow disguise one pregnancy and fake the other. Your baby grew up thinking she was your sister and then with the return of your uncle it all got spilt out. You had several arguments with your family before going to your real daughter in the middle of the street and starting an argument with her at which point she yelled "YOU AIN'T MY MOTHER!" and then you yelled "YES I AM!" which caused a turning point in your life and became one of the most memorable moments in the show. Thanks for lending us your life story by the way, it saved the show.

Please call if you were shot into a canal twenty years ago and were presumed dead, but then returned at which point your adopted daughter threw a fit for not telling her and kinda refused to speak to you for a little bit. She then got off with your real son whilst you had an affair with one woman, betrayed your wife and sell out one of the mafia family of the East End. You then were summoned to the pub where these three women showed up and beat you to death with a dog-shaped doorstop. They then put you in a hole and cemented it over, and you were really dead. By the way, how are you calling us?

Please call if your father who supposedly died twenty years ago came back just after your boyfriend got killed in a fire trying to save a complete bastard called Trevor and you were told you couldn't have kids. You then slept with your adopted father's biological son and got pregnant despite being told by the doctors that you couldn't have kids, your father was killed by a dog-shaped doorstop, and your brother/boyfriend got killed by a boom-boom stick- I mean, gun, leaving you alone, pregnant with a normal-sized baby delivered only five months after concieved. Strange times...

Please call if you are the doctor at Walford Surgery, and you're gonna be fired if you fuck up one more time. Thanks for putting your name on the line for us, man. It means a lot.

Please call if you are the doctor AND had an affair with two women who you thought were sisters but in fact were mother and daughter. Yeah. They were surprised too. I wasn't.

---

I think the show lost it's grasp on normality in around 1985.

To those who have been affected by the programme, heed my warning: DO NOT spend your time calling these people for two reasons.

1. Talking about it won't help you. GET YOUR LIFE IN CHECK.

2. They are probably corporate leeches. ITV were.

I DON'T CARE if it's a free helpline, my point still stands. Suck it up.

Riot Gear and a Headless Laptop Mechanic

Here at August Rush, we have seen many things... My brother crashing an aeroplane (and a preview of how Northern I can sound)... A dose of my sister's forehead art (Ass... hooooooole...)... Me, swallowing the dregs of my pride and apologising to everyone/everything (No one saw this coming)... It has all been said and done.

Man, I even thought I'd topped the bill when I discovered Paramore Riot Flip Flops.



You have to admit it, you've not seen anything like that before.

So today when I was suffering from a sugar hangover, never to leave my bed again cleaning the house, I really didn't expect to find something that possibly tops all these things.



Meet Hector. Hector Zachery Samuel Wannahockalugi, to be formal.




You want to know Hector.

Hector Zachery Samuel Wannahockalugi is the newest member of my elite team of USB sticks, except Hector (I can call you Hector, right?) is so much more than a stick. Hector is the source of my unparalleled calm when it comes to computer meltdowns. Hector keeps me young. I need him.



Hector fixes all my problems, he's like a headless laptop mechanic.

DO NOT be fooled by the pretense of helpless headlessness, Hector would not want to sell himself short (geddit?). He is headless by option. He has the power to remove his head. Hector is POWERFUL.



It's the kind of thing that makes me want to put y'all at the end of every sentence.

In fact, I'll do it now.

Holy shit, y'all.