Red card.

I was walking around Monks Cross yesterday with fabulous hot chocolate when I thought to myself: "what would happen if you shaved the queen's head in her sleep?"

What would happen? Would you have to donate your hair to a wig, buy the wig, leave the country? Maybe you'd get beheaded. Anyway, it'd be a close shave (hahahaha - oh, nevermind).

Then I thought I saw Prince Philip (not likely, let me make that clear) so I started walking much faster before this very, very poncy guy started demanding I take his coat or something. I cannot deal with posh, toff-ish people.

Anyway, that's not what I was going to write about, because really, who would want to see the queen bald? She's not that good-looking to begin with.

(Shh... I didn't say that. That's like... treason or something.)

Today I'm going to tell you all about cards.

I usually have an hour or two free every day at school, and I always, always play card games. I'm pretty crappy at some games. I don't understand Hearts, for example. I'm okay at Snap, Irish Snap (believe me, there's a difference...), Shithead, Solitaire and Old Maid. I am, however, TOTALLY AMAZING at Spit and Bunty.

They're the faster games, slamming down cards and getting totally high on adrenaline is more or less how I spend my free periods. I'm good at Irish Snap and Snap when I play against normal people (note: my friends generally aren't normal).

So today, I managed to sustain an injury whilst playing Irish Snap against a first-time player.

Irish snap is like snap except you place down a card and say a number even if it isn't the same number on the card, the next person places a card down and says the next number (eg. 7, 8, 9, 10, Jack...) and so on. If the number called is the same as the card or you get two cards the same, you snap them and keep the cards. If you put your hand down at the wrong time, you place your hand in the middle and every player takes turns to hit your hand.

This isn't how I ended up covered in blood (some not my own, to be fair) though.

My friend Ginny is insanely competitive, p'haps more than me, and so when it came to the actual snapping we'd end up with red-raw hands from it. One time, we both went to snap the deck and her fingernail got caught between my fingers. Her fingernail snapped off and embedded in my hand and we were both left bleeding.

Cue calls of "Oh my-fuck, oww!" from both of us.

Fun, fun, fun.

I suffer in order to be a total pro at these games, believe me.

So today I gave someone an injury for being so totally awesome. That's the only conclusion I can come to.

Night'all.

...And then they paid me.

[Hola! Waiting for more pictures from last week to surface on Facebook before I write about it, so this here is how I 'recovered' from the week]

Last week at Bewerley Park was crippling. I'm green with bruises. I very nearly totalled a canoe. I fell from a platform onto a trapeze at fifty feet. I was shucked over a nine-foot wall only to land on my face. I fell into some rapids.

I'm a mess.

So it's totally okay that the first thing I said to my mum after a week of zero contact was 'need... vodka...'

Fast forward to the next day...

"Don't forget you're babysitting tonight."

Babysitting?!

Pah.

I was meant to be looking after my friend Helena, who's totally awesome and acts almost twice her age.

And look what she brought.



Most of this is gone.

The girl has initiative.

So basically we spent the entire night eating takeaway and watching Miami Ink because OH MY GOD IT'S SO COOL and then we lost the lids to three of the big bottles so we had to drink it all. D'oh.



I was feeling pretty ill by this point.

And then we relocated and ended up on Facebook, and then Helena went on webcam where Helena was getting slagged off by her 'friends' because she was showing off a wee bit too much with le alcohol and they were right crazy jealous because she's 12 years old and then I took over and started challenging them like the AWESOME big fake-sister I am and won, so I'm sure Helena has awesome street rep now, assuming it is all measured in units.



Denying the fact that I'm the worst person in the world.

And then I stayed up all night. Not even in a sane way. I stayed up all night on webcam because my parents were doing filthy things that I cannot be expected to lie down in the dark and listen to so I plugged my headphones in and stayed on MSN until I fell asleep at 7am and woke up at 9am, still on webcam, pondering 'what the fuck'.



Screensaved by my mum at 8am.

And then! And then! BFF Main Gay.5 called and told me that I was meant to be in Wheldrake for a BBQ so ended up at his house where I fell asleep at least fifty times and ended up so slap happy from exhaustion I got no sleep that night.

And then I went to school.

There are many thousands of things I would rather have done than gone to school at that cruel time in the morning. Eaten a puppy, backflipped off of a moving bus into a vat of snakes, touched a spider - possibly -, anything, ANYTHING, other than waking up to that alarm.

All this after coming back from a week Bewerley Park, people.

Moral of the story: Be ye not so fucking stupid.

My Bad.

Forgot to say I'm on holiday. I'll be back on Friday.

Update: Trust no one because they don't trust you.

There's been a development in relation to yesterday's incident and I feel I have to share it, because that's what I do.

In the last thirty hours or so I have become paranoid. My sister has hidden my passport so I don't become one of those people who takes their passport with them everywhere in case (just on the off-chance) some guy asks for I.D. when you are clearly not fourteen.

So today I went to the shop to buy some bread, and there was a new sign next to the counter saying '1. THINK, DO THEY LOOK 18? 2. ASK THEIR AGE. 3. ASK FOR I.D.'

I handed over the loaf of bread with trembling hands.

"Uhh... Am I old enough to by bread?" *Meaningful nod at the sign* "Because I know where my passport is now, my mum hid it under the printer. It's not alcoholic yet, it only does that when the yeast ferments and releases-"

The cashier is looking at me, the line of people behind me is looking at me. I'm sure even the bread is looking at me.

"Umm..." *nervous giggle* "I'll just take the bread."

Next time I go there I think I'll plead insanity.