I know. I'm shocked too.

Horrified that I left a post about pool lanes fester at the top of my blog for a full month. What a crappy subject, I mean, really, Nicole? Nothing better to write about? Nothing? Nothing at all?

[Courtesy of the niiiice kitties at icanhazcheezburger.com]

Well. Bugger me.

We're in March now. J. H. Christ, how did that happen? I've been in bed for the last week. Not enough trade to justify my presence at work. Nice to see I have a life outside of work.

There's just one tiny thing I need to get off my chest:

First of all, aren't we all just SO excited about the royal wedding? I mean, OMG, it's SO EXCITING. So happy I could just bleed to death, right here at my desk. Grr. It's all I hear about. MSN actually has a page dedicated to every. little. sordid. detail. And if I see one more TV advert for a Royal Wedding Decorative Plate, I may just die. Twice.

...Though the condoms they made were pretty damn funny.

On the plus side, the prince is going bald. I swear he's not even thirty yet.

/End Transmission/

Seattle is back on the agenda! Looks set to be some time in 2013 (And I'll be twenty years old. Shit.). Norway-Sweden-Finland next summer - The Great Roadtrip me and Hubs have been planning for ages.

Slovenia (woot woot!) this summer. I can't remember if I've talked about Slovenia, but I do miss it. I miss the warmth and the torrential downpours and thunderstorms and huge vegetables and delicious fruit in my great-aunt's garden. I miss the dogs, Sena and Ika, I miss speaking Slovene. I miss my auntie Katra and her excellent cooking and her casual swearing.

And also I've applied to college. Though that gives me fuel for tomorrow, so I'll go into that then.

Ta-ta for now.

It's eating my face.

I'm going to tell you about me aged seventeen.

At seventeen, I:

- Have more piercings than ribs.
- Have epic red hair.
- Have two jobs, one as awesome as the other isn't. (But I didn't say that)
- Still have braces.
- Swear like a trucker.
- Have given up caring about my weight.
- Have totally eschewed following trends. I have flair, yo.
- Have an unnatural love for webcams.
- Still watch The Simpsons at least twice a day.
- Don't go to school.
- Still haven't seen Avatar.

And. Totally crappy at blogging.

But, I have a million photos on my phone that I took with the intention of showing you all. So.. I'll do that tomorrow when I'm nearer my phone.

Yeah. At seventeen years old I'm still a lazy shit once I get home from work.

Hang on a second, I'm applying for a job.

Right. And now I'm just waiting for one of my managers on Facebook chat to give me a reference.

I are professional.

Furthermore, message to a manager on Facebook goes as follows:

---

Nicole Smith, where HAVE you been?!

No idea. Just not blogging.

This weekend I went to see Rach for her birthday and ate a massive meal followed by delicious cake followed by a chocolate fountain and... so... much... food... that I'm still dying a little. But I don't have any pictures because my camera is dead. RIP, buddy.

Not much has been happening around here. I've been expanding my musical horizons which is actually a code for Spending All My Money That I Haven't Got Yet Buying Opeth Albums And Such.

Rawr.

Anyhow. I still don't have much to write about, as you can see.

Out of order.

The thing I use to make Stuff That Happens into blog posts stopped working this morning, normal service will resume... ohh, I don't know. Tomorrow maybe.

I'll have one apocolypse please.

This is the end, yeah this is the end of the world.

So...

NaBloPoMo.

Ouch.

Next time I'm doing February. It's a cop-out month.

Not that I didn't enjoy NaBloPoMo... It was great, and my followers list doubled which made my day multiple times.

I might do it again in NoBloPoMo (November)... so I have at least six months to plan this stuff out beforehand.

I'm DRAINED.

Seriously, you know prunes? I am Queen Prune, I have no juice left at all.

And I'm even telling you this, that's how bad it is.

So it'll be back to the normal schedule for the time being, as in, I need to go out and do things and make things happen in order to be able to write about it, because reading a post about me complaining about life is SO boring compared to the things I could write in the various school holidays I've had where things actually HAPPENED, e.g. last summer, when I went for my work experience interview:

Finally Kelly (She was the head Of Human Resources or Human Head of Lettuce or something) arrived... She explained a little about the job to me and when she asked me why I was interested in working there I fucked up utterly... How do you explain that I didn't check what the job was and just looked at the job description and whether or not I had to wear a skirt, and that since then I had found what I wanted to do?

Utter fuck up...

I kept dropping the pen I was holding too due to nerves as well, she was nice about it, though she probably thinks I'm clumsy now.

Fastforward a month: At this job I broke £2000 worth of wine glasses and caused myself all kinds of injuries. Oh, you didn't know I was clumsy?

---

So here's the plan. I'll be around and about, reading blogs, commenting, tweeting and the works, same as usual, but if there's no blog it's because I'm waiting for something AWESOME.

Like Twilight coming out on DVD... It doesn't come out until the sixth here, and I'll be going into school (IN THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS, I might add) that day.

I know. It's practically criminal.

Five profound things I discovered today....

1. My sister is a secret connoisseur of whackass souvenirs. I discovered this last night when I heard something say 'hola' in a funny accent. It was a toy bull my mum brought back from Spain.

2. My mum said that my father is not, in fact, this man, who I live with and also happen to have the same eyes as, but is in fact this man, who is in one of my favourite films of all time, August Rush.

3. I have the single most awesome screensaver of all time, as it features Seattle, Forks, La Push, Starbucks, Mount Rainier, Microsoft and Pike Place Market.

4. Both of my dad's bands (assuming my dad is who I think he is...) have MySpace, a fact I am most amused by.

5. I haven't eaten today. It's 5.15pm and I haven't sodding eaten.

How the hell did I forget to eat?!

I'm... beyond disturbed.

And hungry.

The cat's mother.

I am Nicole is someone who regularly posts here is going to post about Nicole in the third person today because it sounded funny in her head when she was stumbling around in the dark last night.

Last night, Nicole discovered that if she ate, she didn't ache as much as if she didn't eat and so went into her kitchen at the dead of night searching for Pot Noodles and other edibles to devour.

In the dark, Nicole could see something wrapped up in shiny foil. She thought 'ooh, maybe it's chocolate' and reached out to touch it. She picked it up to see that it was dripping with something. She decided it probably wasn't chocolate and put it down, flicking on the light.

She noticed the lightswitch was covered in blood.

'MURDER!' she was about to scream. Then she saw that her hand was covered in blood too.

Not even nice, vampire-approved blood.

It was the horrible watery blood that you get when you defrost meat.

Needless to say, poor little vegetarian-of-nine-years Nicole was very nearly sick.

She even adopted a Lady MacBeth-esque attitude, scrubbing at her hands and croaking 'out damned spot' for the best of ten minutes.

Because Nicole is weird like that.

Nicole is also weird in the sense that she likes Chuck Norris jokes too, because laughing at Chuck Norris and/or his sheer awesomeness is something Nicole likes to do.

[N.B. If this isn't posted at approximately 3.30pm GMT and you see Nicole's head fly past your window in the next few seconds, you know that Chuck Norris heard that.]

[And only Chuck Norris' tears will be able to put Nicole back together again.]

[But Chuck Norris doesn't cry.]

[Ever.]

Actually, Nicole thinks that Chuck Norris would have no need for tear ducts, but then again, Chuck Norris can be a very thrifty little person. Maybe he's just supplying extra tears for his victims.

But then again Chuck Norris doesn't need a lot of things. It's a proven fact that Chuck Norris has no need for a Ctrl key on his computer, because Chuck Norris is always in control.

Unlike Nicole.

But Nicole is going now because she wants to learn how to kill two stones with one bird like Chuck Norris can.

A note from me to you.

I haven't done anything productive, interesting or fun today. I got a play-by-play account of what happened at the Oscars last night. I typed up the City Of York Teenage Pregnancy Strategy. I ate yummy vegetarian sushi. I stayed curled up in pain unable to eat due to various pitfalls at different stages of my digestive system. I told Cherry I was going to arrest her for STEALING PARTS OF MY BLOG (WITCHCRAFT!).

Other than all that? Nothing.

I have nothing to write. It's kind of understandable as I have gone from looking slightly out of it like this:



To death on legs like this:



Over the course of just a few days.

So it's reasonable for me to have concentrated on STAYING ALIVE rather than thinking of things to write.

...I have a feeling I'm going to take that back pretty soon.

Blighty

Let me allow me (in the words of the very wise Bill Bailey) to tell you about where I live...

Spending as much time on the internet as I do means I'm often asked this question upon signing up to somewhere new on the interwebs...

What's Britain like?

It's alright, y'know. It's err... you know. We've got Nectar Points,understatement, we're tough on slogans, tough on the causes of slogans. We have strong prevailing south-westerly winds, in fact, 52% of our year is overcast so as a nation we're infused with a wistful melancholy. However we remain a relentlessly chipper population prone to mild eccentricity, binge drinking and casual violence.

Breakfast is served seven till nine - not a minute later, or you will be cast out. We have no natural predators, though a badger can give you a nasty nip... Four hedgehogs feeding on honey might fall in your eyes. A wasp could fly in your mouth one summer's afternoon, sting your bottom lip, it swells right up and you phone the doctor saying 'nurr am waspeh herrr sterrr meeerrr lerrr', she thinks your a pervert, you get arrested, sent to a secret Mars penal colony, gain the support of the workers and throw off the shackles of oppression.

And on the up side, we've got Little Chefs, which were built many years ago on lay lines, and then roads just came in and connected them up.

---

So yes. If you can survive all that I'll meet you at customs.

We just won't be stopping at Little Chef.

It's only a matter of time.

Got this song in my head and it's been there all day.

Still a good song, but I'd prefer a little variation.

Anyways.

I'll give you a little update of today. (HEY SIR I KNOW YOU ARE WATCHING ME!)

Today I started doing volleyball in PE at the university. The short of it is that I mutilated four members of my team.

Guess how many members there were on my team.

You got it... Four.

I'm in for a looooong school term.

I'll be home in a couple of hours, sat here with Cherry (who is now following my blog... Woop!) in IMedia and she's reading what I'm typing but I'm ignoring her and now she is laughing or was but I don't know anymore.

Hehehehe, she says.

But I'm saying nothing.

Peace out.