In five years time...

Five years ago I started this blog because I wrote a post on MySpace that I enjoyed writing so much I thought I could do it all the time. For a while I actually did. Blogged everyday, but I deleted most of them as they were literally just sordid accounts of what I did at school everyday as a entertainment-starved fourteen year old schoolgirl.

What's changed? Practically everything. Except my face.

I suppose the big thing in my life at the moment is deciding which university to go to. There are only two that I've given real consideration to. The first one, a posh performing arts university down in South London where I can study technical theatre in some dark corner somewhere on a campus full of twirling idiots or one closer to home where I get to work, and work with big artists and on live events and things I actually enjoy and feel at home with.

And there's that. Feeling at home. I can't imagine leaving home. If I went to the closer place I could stay at home and drive out there every day, or get a flat closer to where it is and flit between there and home whenever. And I could keep my three jobs. And carry on doing night classes at university like I do now.

It sounds easier than it is.

Ahhh, why isn't it simple?! This is the third time this year I've run into some HUGE-looking life event that I feel completely unprepared for. And on top of that I have to write a personal statement to either or both universities telling them why I'm marvelous, well, frankly, I am not. I am bog-standard. Average as they come. Doesn't mean I'll do badly, necessarily, does it?

I really need someone else to write my statement for me. I'm terrible at making myself sound good. I've watched myself (??) do stupid things. Really stupid things. I set fire to my tights not so long back. Not even that, I allowed myself to be set fire to, because I didn't clock straight away that "oh, look, a lighter. That means fire!" Praise be for 200 denier in the great British summertime.

Alas, happy birthday to my blog baby and many happy returns, you've done me proud from humble beginnings on a now defunct MySpace page to being safely tucked away on the internet for whenever I feel nostalgic. Let's see what another five years brings us.

My mind UNCUT

I'm having issues that are somehow way beyond my maturity level. Or more likely I'm just socially inept, but in any case I'm having ISSUES. I've spent days thinking and coming to the wrong conclusions and re-thinking and going round in circles in my head until it's become exhausting try and come up with a sensible solution to a fairly simple problem.

Dun dun duuuun... Boy trouble. I'm mortified.

So I figured I'd better just sit down with my laptop and tap out the thoughts as they come.

So.


You are fantastic. Seriously. I am SO in like with you. The more time I spend around you, the more of YOU I see, and it’s really great. Men are weird! You’ve handled a shitty thing that knocked me on my ass for a year with barely any effort. How do you do that? How did I not do that? You’re a total sweetie, a bit of an ass, cute as a button and you make me look normal which always helps. I can’t imagine us together as a couple because we’re such good friends, and I’m a total goofball, doomed to the Havisham life if I’m lucky, but I still think I want it. Just a little. A lot. But it’s not an option, so what to do, sir? Not a whole lot to be done, is there? I’m going back to Norway in two weeks to stay with an ex-boyfriend I barely speak to anymore, a seriously ill-advised move, you’ve said as much. But DAMNIT MAN will you not tell me not to go for a reason I want to hear like “I like you sooooo much never go away, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss” instead of “muhnyuuh”. That’s something *I* would say.

I really, really hope I haven’t already blown it. You’re golden, dude.

Also, your butt is pretty too.
  I needed to vent that. My usual ventees are various states of missing in action.   Ungh.