No light no light

You are the hole in my head

You are the space in my bed

You are the silence inbetween

What I thought and what I said

---

(Gorgeous artwork by AquaSixio) 

I'm not sure that I have much to say but I feel like I need to write something down anyway. I spend so much time working on things that only last a couple of hours or weeks and I get the feeling that none of these last few months will be particularly memorable unless I leave a marker somewhere saying "Hello! My name is NICOLE, I'm RIGHT HERE."

In five years time...

Five years ago I started this blog because I wrote a post on MySpace that I enjoyed writing so much I thought I could do it all the time. For a while I actually did. Blogged everyday, but I deleted most of them as they were literally just sordid accounts of what I did at school everyday as a entertainment-starved fourteen year old schoolgirl.

What's changed? Practically everything. Except my face.

I suppose the big thing in my life at the moment is deciding which university to go to. There are only two that I've given real consideration to. The first one, a posh performing arts university down in South London where I can study technical theatre in some dark corner somewhere on a campus full of twirling idiots or one closer to home where I get to work, and work with big artists and on live events and things I actually enjoy and feel at home with.

And there's that. Feeling at home. I can't imagine leaving home. If I went to the closer place I could stay at home and drive out there every day, or get a flat closer to where it is and flit between there and home whenever. And I could keep my three jobs. And carry on doing night classes at university like I do now.

It sounds easier than it is.

Ahhh, why isn't it simple?! This is the third time this year I've run into some HUGE-looking life event that I feel completely unprepared for. And on top of that I have to write a personal statement to either or both universities telling them why I'm marvelous, well, frankly, I am not. I am bog-standard. Average as they come. Doesn't mean I'll do badly, necessarily, does it?

I really need someone else to write my statement for me. I'm terrible at making myself sound good. I've watched myself (??) do stupid things. Really stupid things. I set fire to my tights not so long back. Not even that, I allowed myself to be set fire to, because I didn't clock straight away that "oh, look, a lighter. That means fire!" Praise be for 200 denier in the great British summertime.

Alas, happy birthday to my blog baby and many happy returns, you've done me proud from humble beginnings on a now defunct MySpace page to being safely tucked away on the internet for whenever I feel nostalgic. Let's see what another five years brings us.

My mind UNCUT

I'm having issues that are somehow way beyond my maturity level. Or more likely I'm just socially inept, but in any case I'm having ISSUES. I've spent days thinking and coming to the wrong conclusions and re-thinking and going round in circles in my head until it's become exhausting try and come up with a sensible solution to a fairly simple problem.

Dun dun duuuun... Boy trouble. I'm mortified.

So I figured I'd better just sit down with my laptop and tap out the thoughts as they come.

So.


You are fantastic. Seriously. I am SO in like with you. The more time I spend around you, the more of YOU I see, and it’s really great. Men are weird! You’ve handled a shitty thing that knocked me on my ass for a year with barely any effort. How do you do that? How did I not do that? You’re a total sweetie, a bit of an ass, cute as a button and you make me look normal which always helps. I can’t imagine us together as a couple because we’re such good friends, and I’m a total goofball, doomed to the Havisham life if I’m lucky, but I still think I want it. Just a little. A lot. But it’s not an option, so what to do, sir? Not a whole lot to be done, is there? I’m going back to Norway in two weeks to stay with an ex-boyfriend I barely speak to anymore, a seriously ill-advised move, you’ve said as much. But DAMNIT MAN will you not tell me not to go for a reason I want to hear like “I like you sooooo much never go away, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss” instead of “muhnyuuh”. That’s something *I* would say.

I really, really hope I haven’t already blown it. You’re golden, dude.

Also, your butt is pretty too.
  I needed to vent that. My usual ventees are various states of missing in action.   Ungh.

After forever.

I won't give up we'll fight to win
To move along from where we've been
I'll sing this song for you again

I'm looking up around the bend
We're so much stronger than before
Our fraying edges on the mend.

I have these words written in permanent marker around the edge of my screen from the last time things were bad and they got better. I wish I could replace them but unfortunately, at the time, I was kinda hoping it would be one of those 'forever' things.

Another thing I had of us was a padlock attached to a bridge in Slovenia where thousands of couples have attached locks with their names on it. I did the same last summer when I was there. I was really, really happy to have someone that I could do that with, it was even his idea. I took a picture of one side of the locket, the side with our names and sent it to him, and it was sweet. I tripped up when I was writing his name on the locket so the n is all wobbly. I teased him for months about having written something on the other side of the locket that I was never ever ever going to tell him, but of course I told him anyway.

A long, long time.

That's all over and gone now and it feels like I'm on the other side of the 'forever' in my head.

I wish I could change the words around my screen, write them big and bright and remind myself never to build a house on sand, ever, ever again, and remember that for a long, long time.

Don't follow empty skies.

Once more with a smile

I feel like I've been writing blogs all night because I'm presenting all my college work via another blog and I've just updated about a month's worth of work in one go. Drained isn't even the word.

But hello, welcome to the sleepy mind of Nicole, extraordinaire and spinster.

I'm back at college and university now after a very uneventful (bar one breakage of toes which I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about) two weeks off and I can say, I have missed both college and university more than anything. College, with my weird awesome friends, the amazing food and random talk that can only come from 6 16-year-old boys and 3 18-year-olds girls. Ladder goat, that's all I'm allowed to say.

Also, I got the news that a guy who was on my course until he was arrested a few months ago (we assumed for stealing computers) was actually arrested for stealing children's used clothes and possession of child pornography which really shocking. One of those I-don't-know-what-I'm-feeling moments where I shake my head a lot. I have him on Google Plus for Christ's sake.

But yes.. Bedtime for me. I'll be glad for the last three very productive hours in the near future but right now, I want to be with my bed for a good 15 hours, though college will only let us be together for five and a half. Interfering prat.

A vodka-drenched thought.

(At least, I assume it's vodka..)

Usually look in the mirror and think, 'God, that's disgusting.' But it has just occurred to me that actually, I had fun getting this fat. Many a college canteen burger (oh-my-god-yes) went into this masterpiece.

I'm very glad my parents are more like insane awesome friends to me, because I have my dad to entertain me with alcohol and my mum to nurse the hangover that I Am So Not Looking Forward To.

I had some very crappy news today that made me feel really shitty (thank you, ex-boyfriend, my dear, for making me feel so small and making it pretty clear that I wasn't worth the effort, please stop saying you love me) (...I'll regret that tomorrow and/or the day he reads it..) but thanks to my dad and my mum and my big brother and my little sister and all my excellent friends and Mr Smirnoff I feel like I'll pull through it.

Bring it, hangover, this is the best I've felt in such a long time.

I think..

I think lying in bed, feeling a bit lost and alone with Fields Of Coral by Vangelis stuck in my head isn't too bad a place to be. Only I wish it wasn't this song. It reminds me of lying in bed with the arms of someone I loved around me, sleepy and calm and warm. And I miss that the most.

I miss the times we talked until it dawn broke, at first in Norway and then here. I miss cooking together, I miss random kissing and walking through the woods and seafood parties.

Now I have memories I can't stand to think about and fourteen games of Draw Something running simultaneously.

A tally of heartbreak.

Days since break up: 32

Times spent in the bath listening to Adele: 2

Times spent listening to The Winner Takes It All: 1. NEVER AGAIN.

Times I've caught myself saying "My boyfr- My ex-boyfriend": Up in the 40s.

Times I've browsed the self-help section in the bookshop: 4

Cigarettes smoked: Upwards of 180

Chocolate bars consumed: God. Thousands.

New cravings discovered: 3 (Butterkist toffee popcorn, sparkling water and cheeseburger-and-chips combos from college)

Number of messages saved as drafts: 12

Hours spent crying: 5. Go me!!

Rebound sex: Nil. Nix. Nada.

Weight change: -12lbs. And yet I can feel a double chin forming.

Nights spent talking to him since break up: 30.