New things

7 new things this week:

1. I bought this face mask stuff from Soap & Glory (I love everything about them) that heats up when it's on your face and I thought I'd try it for science and I swear I nearly burnt my face off. In a really pleasant way. My face is all smoothy-smooth and lovely now. And I didn't have to turn the heating on.

2. My sister's birthday was this week so I took her to Big Scary Leeds to do some proper shopping and dropped £200 in one go. I wouldn't mind too terribly but it was the morning of pay day.

3. I noticed that someone I absolutely despised at college has only liked three things I've ever posted on Facebook. Two of these were checking into A&E, the third was when I got glass in my hand at work. I love it when I'm not the crazy one.

4. My beautiful new dress! Yay.

5. I doubted a friend and I feel terrible for it. They were accused of stealing from the till at work and I have believed they were innocent the entire way and I have had their back. And then one person told me a part of the incident I didn't know about and I doubted them. My major gripe is that even if they did do it, I wouldn't care, I would just rather be told the truth. And if it turns out they lied to me, they know I will at least attempt to break their legs. :-) :-) :-)

6. I made my step-dad laugh so hard with a joke about gravy boats that he nearly crashed the car. My insurance doesn't cover the cost of repeating it.

7. When we went out for my sister's birthday meal we ate a ma-hoo-ssive main meal and then got 'cakeaway' for dessert, and I took home a slice of cake that stood 10 inches tall. Eating it was a daunting experience but I am wiser for it.

Times are hard for dreamers.

I can't decide what I am.

And I can't quite explain what I mean either because it's 2am. I think what I mean is that I hoped at this point I would have a specific niche that defines me, like, "That's Nicole, she's [insert adjective here]". I'm doing a lot of meeting new people at the moment with university starting and stuff and I have absolutely BOMBED when trying to introduce myself at every point so far.

I can't define myself. My label should probably be "unspecified".

I think the problem is mostly that there are things I want to do and people I want to be that are just impossible. And I don't want to settle for less, because passing that up would suck.

I have no idea if other people have the same problem. I guess it's kind of open-ended.

It probably doesn't come across but I'm actually feeling pretty cheerful at the moment. I'm sat in bed with a bowl of popcorn watching Family Guy, life is good.

I probably should have put a 2AM EXISTENTIAL CRISIS warning at the top of this post.

Up the ante.

I've always hated the expression "big shit in a small bowl" but at this moment I kind of get it.

When I was about 16 me and my friends in sixth form used to play poker with our lunch money and sometimes I would win tidy amounts. And then I didn't play for four years. And then a few weeks ago I decided I had a taste for it again and started playing online and reading books (Poker For Dummies, Texas Hold'em For Dummies and Winning At Internet Poker For Dummies live next to my bed at the moment) and trying to understand the game more now than I used to. I really enjoy the game. There's much more to it than I originally thought when I first started playing four years ago. There's some maths, having to work out the odds of the card you need coming up, a little knowing your enemy, watching for tells and patterns in play, and the luck of the draw. I can almost convince myself I'm not gambling.

Until about fifteen minutes ago I never played for real money. I've already lost $5. I am an idiot. Why have I done this?

Playing at the 'Play Money' poker tables is great when you just want to enjoy the game, test the waters and (I just won back $2, yay!) don't want to scar your bank account for life so early on. Buuuuut I have just found out that whilst you can be (lost $2) really good on the free tables, you can just end up being a big shit in a small bowl.

I'm being hung out to dry by these guys where the real money is. I am hopelessly lost. I have lost a third of my bankroll in the first fifteen minutes and I'm only on the smaller stakes table. And I am now down to 52 cents at the behest of a guy whose avatar is a wizard.

I guess the thing I love the most about poker is the astronomical odds of just about everything. There are 2,598,960 possible hands I could be dealt, I will only ever be dealt one of them, and I have to make them work for me. If I can make a hand as bad as 2 of diamonds and 7 of clubs sit up and sing for me it's a good day in Nicole-land. (won $1)

Also there's the added fun of teasing strangers on the internet as they try to work out why I'm playing a certain way. Changing my ways and putting everyone on the table on red alert is just evil and kind of hilarious to sit back and watch.

Which I thoroughly intend to do. I'm retiring to the free tables for the night, $3 up and with about 10 years of my life lost to sheer bloody panic.