Up the ante.

I've always hated the expression "big shit in a small bowl" but at this moment I kind of get it.

When I was about 16 me and my friends in sixth form used to play poker with our lunch money and sometimes I would win tidy amounts. And then I didn't play for four years. And then a few weeks ago I decided I had a taste for it again and started playing online and reading books (Poker For Dummies, Texas Hold'em For Dummies and Winning At Internet Poker For Dummies live next to my bed at the moment) and trying to understand the game more now than I used to. I really enjoy the game. There's much more to it than I originally thought when I first started playing four years ago. There's some maths, having to work out the odds of the card you need coming up, a little knowing your enemy, watching for tells and patterns in play, and the luck of the draw. I can almost convince myself I'm not gambling.

Until about fifteen minutes ago I never played for real money. I've already lost $5. I am an idiot. Why have I done this?

Playing at the 'Play Money' poker tables is great when you just want to enjoy the game, test the waters and (I just won back $2, yay!) don't want to scar your bank account for life so early on. Buuuuut I have just found out that whilst you can be (lost $2) really good on the free tables, you can just end up being a big shit in a small bowl.

I'm being hung out to dry by these guys where the real money is. I am hopelessly lost. I have lost a third of my bankroll in the first fifteen minutes and I'm only on the smaller stakes table. And I am now down to 52 cents at the behest of a guy whose avatar is a wizard.

I guess the thing I love the most about poker is the astronomical odds of just about everything. There are 2,598,960 possible hands I could be dealt, I will only ever be dealt one of them, and I have to make them work for me. If I can make a hand as bad as 2 of diamonds and 7 of clubs sit up and sing for me it's a good day in Nicole-land. (won $1)

Also there's the added fun of teasing strangers on the internet as they try to work out why I'm playing a certain way. Changing my ways and putting everyone on the table on red alert is just evil and kind of hilarious to sit back and watch.

Which I thoroughly intend to do. I'm retiring to the free tables for the night, $3 up and with about 10 years of my life lost to sheer bloody panic.