Peas on earth and goodwill to all hen.

Conversation in the car yesterday:

Me: Doesn't it look like the rest of York is on fire and we're kinda flying toward it?

Mum: Yes. No. What?

Me: Scary potatoes.

Mum: Potatoes aren't scary.

Me: THEY COULD BE IF THEY WANTED TO BE!

Mum: I doubt that.

Me: NO! Potatoes have every right to be scary if they want to be. Who knows, they're probably the scariest fucking thing you will ever see on Halloween. Just because they're not scary in YOUR DIVINE PRESENCE does NOT mean that they're just harmless little potatoes.

Mum: You can stop now.

Me: OBJECTION! They probably just want you to think that. Potatoes face a lot of pressure in their community because they have fucking TRACTORS that uproot them from their homes, just so you can have your precious chips! STUPID FAT HOBBIT.

Mum: Shut up.

Me: Never! Potatoes do everything they can just to please you and you spit it back in their faces. You witch. They suffer for you, and this is how you repay them?

Mum: I'M SUFFERING NOW.

Me: Your suffering palls in comparison. Don't even get me started on the poor little peas!

Mum: Don't start then.

Me: You know well and good that I am a devout member of the Peas On Earth movement. I made badges and everything!

Mum: That's sooo biased.

Me: SOMEONE NEEDS TO PROTECT THEM FROM THEMSELVES!

Mum: You're out of my will.

Me: And the carrots! It's a known fact that carrots are sexual predators.

Mum: ...

Me: But it's okay. Because the potatoes have some defense. They have eyes everywhere. Haha! Geddit? Eyes... everywhere...? PUT THE DE-ICER DOWN.