Hello there baby boy.
Guess how much I love you. This much! No... Not that much, that much barely covers my love for your fingertips, never mind the rest of you!
No, I love you more than anything in the world. You probably don't recognise me. Me and your mummy don't talk much, but when we do it's great. If you've heard me, I'm the one telling your mummy to sit down and relax, or telling your daddy off for making silly comments.
I'd hoped for ages that you would come into the world... And when your big sister Kelsi told me that you were in mummy's tummy I was so happy... I couldn't wait. A little baby! Something new and shiny, something to treasure and keep safe. And when I found out you'd be a boy... My heart blew up, that's all I can describe it as. It exploded with reserves of love.
Before you were born, baby boy, I thought about you always, I counted down the days, annoyed your sisters by talking about the new baby boy so much that they got bored and wondered off to talk to your Auntie Cleo. But I didn't mind... Your sister's can be mean, but they still love me, and they'll still love you, even if they tease you as you grow older.
October 2008, I was waiting for you, I couldn't stop dreaming of you and I missed not having you there. And when you were born, my darling, I couldn't believe how much I loved you, and I still do, love.
Your mummy and daddy couldn't think of a name for you... I told them names of characters from my books, Twilight books, and you'll understand one day just how much I love these books, more than my own life. No name seemed good enough. They were going to call you Mason... Mason! Can you believe it? The books helped me see the name better, it was special... But not special enough, sweetheart.
When I first saw you, Auntie Cleo pushed me away and so it was just a glimpse I caught. It broke my heart, baby, not seeing you after waiting so long. But later that day your mummy, daddy and sisters came to a party for your auntie Cleo (you'll also learn just how picky and spoilt she is... unless she grows out of it... not likely...) and I held you for the first time. It was magic, Rhiley, you were so warm and small and sleepy, it felt so right to be holding you. Everything else in my sham of a life fell away and for a too-short moment my existence circled around you, little guy. I sang to you as well, the classics of course, most of the tracklist of Abba Gold, to be specific. And then I got you to feed... I was the first person to do that. I'm sure you (as a twenty-three-hour-old new born) didn't intend anything more than a tasty snack, but to me it felt like you were saying 'Hello, Auntie Cole, I can see you'd never give me anything nasty, and so bottoms and bottles up!'. It was like you'd accepted me. I smiled down at you and stuck my tongue out, and then, baby, a little pink tongue came out of your mouth as well. I could feel my love for you in my throat, it had swelled that much.
You fell asleep in your daddy's arms and we listened to your little snores. Oh yes, sweetheart, even then, you snored. But too soon you had to go home.
I went away that weekend with friends. My thoughts were wrapped around you, darling. I asked your grandma if you had a name yet... Rhiley, she said. And suddenly I had a name for the little thing I loved so much. You went to see some fireworks that night, Rhiley. You didn't like them, if I had been there I would have taken you far away from it and told you all about Twilight how one day maybe you could come with me to America, or visit me if I lived there by then. But I wasn't there, and I'm sorry baby, I'll never not be there for you again.
You're so tiny right now, darling. So small and pink and being forced to watch Hollyoaks with your daddy and listen to your sisters' screaming. But you're the most loved baby in the world, you always will be.
But soon, baby... You'll be a toddler. You'll be running around and kicking footballs with your daddy, and I'll be giving you cuddles all the time and buying you little treats and telling you how much I love you. And when your sisters fight I'll be the one to take you away from it and hold you tight until grandma or Cleo stop it. And when you fall over and hurt yourself I'll kiss it better.
When you go to school I'll cry on your first day. I'll be so proud of you. You are going to be coolest boy there, and by far the most handsome. And you'll be so clever, and you'll bring pictures home for your mummy and daddy and when you come to visit me, Cleo and your grandma you might bring us a picture too, and I'll buy the photoframe myself, and I'll hang it on the wall for everyone to see. And when they ask who drew it, I'll say My little Rhiley.
You're daddy will tease you about your first girlfriend, but I'll tell you how proud I am, even though no girl could be good enough for you, Rhiley. I'll even give you the sex talk if you want. And when you're a teenager and your hormones are driving you mad, I'll give you whatever you want and then leave you be, I'll make it as easy as possible for you Rhiley, I know it'll be difficult.
And when you are an adult... Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea how much happiness I see in the future with you there! You'll have a job that you will be good at, you'll have a steady girlfriend and if you get married... I'll sit on the front row and cry my heart out for you. I'll say an embarrassing speech at the after-party and you'll be annoyed until I remind you how much I love you, and then it was never intended as malice.
You'll have cousins from me by that point. They'll be kind to you. They'll be the kind of cousins that remember your birthdays and buy you things at Christmas, and you won't have to send us thank you letters because I know it feels like a waste of time.
When you have your first child I'll cry again, you'll make me cry so much, baby. But I won't mind, you'll be worth everything that I ever endure. You'll get me through the hard times without having to try, just because I love you. And if we ever argue, if you are ever angry with me, you'll know I love you, just because I've told you so many times over your life.
I'll let you shout, I'll let you swear and cry and tell the world to get screwed if that's what it comes to, and I'll listen to everything you have to say, if you want to tell me. And I'll let you drink coffee past your bedtime and stay awake with you when you are upset or scared. You can stay at my house sometime and we'll watch films and listen to music. That could be cool Rhiley, the world's your oyster.
But that's then... Right now you're so small and pink... And I'll see you tomorrow baby, and I'll hold you again and I'll talk to you, I might tell you about this. I'll tell you everything if time is on our side.
You'll not call me anything for now, but when you are one year old you'll start to called me Cole, maybe. Then it'll be Aunt Cole, then Acole, then Nicole.
But you'll always be Rhiley to me.
Lots of love, as always.
Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.
