Reasons why I can never be Spider-Man

You know when you're a bored, uninspired teenager and you see an advert on TV for FilmFour's showing of Spider-Man 2 and you're all 'but I've got that shit on DVD!' so you go and watch it at some grossly inappropriate hour of the morning and then you start thinking?

No? Oh well.

Sometime between watching Peter Pan Parker's costume shredding to pieces and him throwing himself off of the top of very tall buildings I came to the only inevitable conclusion a girl can reach.

I can never be Spider-Man.

I mean, for one, I hate spiders with a fiery passion. I can't stand to exist beside one, never mind be bitten by one. And then to fall in love with the girl that freely admits she loves them! I mean, c'mon. That relationship just wouldn't work out.

There's also the small issue of costume. Lycra/rubber is not my most flattering look. In fact, if I took to the streets now in anything close to either I'd probably be lynched.

I'm not even joking. Ever visited York on a night?

And then there's the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing. Erm... Yes. The robot typing this right now is actually the latest model of my kind - the Nicole Smith 2.0. Upgrade from the last one? I'm responsible not once, but twice a week. Give me super powers and I'll screw up the world soooo bad...

Oh? And the whole deal with the web coming out of the wrists? Hopeless. I'd be too busy giggling 'oooh it tickles!' to do any saving the good citizens of New (and otherwise) York business.

I couldn't even be Batman, because The Joker freaks me out and I might... you know... get bats in my hair or something.

Superman? Don't get me started.

I couldn't pull off the Watchmen look because I don't have a glowing blue penis and again, Lycra is a big fat NO, right there.

Le sigh... I'm hopeless.

Then it hit me.

Could I be one of the helpless damsels in distress?

Hahahahahaha...

You must understand, I'm about as suitable as Queen Latifah for that role.

It'd be awful. I'd be watching from the sidelines and then when whoever I was simpering over got thrown through a building I'd scream 'Fucking... OWWW!' and that would be the end of my acting career.

I suppose it doesn't matter really... I'm already a genetic mutation.

Just keep those spiders the hell away from me and I'll be sweet.