Helpline for all your theatrical needs.

I have something to confess.

Once upon a time I used to watch Eastenders.

What is Eastenders, you say?

Eastenders is probably the most ridiculous of all the soaps aired on TV. It's set in Walford, East End London and the characters and plot are completely unbelievable.

Thankfully I've seen the light.

Occasionally there would be a message after a half hour of some far-flung plot which would say 'If you have been at all affected by tonight's programme and would like someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to call this number, free phone 0800 etc. etc. etc.' and it was only last night when I was reliving some of the more insane moments of the show that I realised how stupid that was.

Please call if you slept with your uncle and ended up pregnant, and then your mother found out but promised to help you after banning your uncle from contacting you again, pretended the baby was hers after you somehow disguise one pregnancy and fake the other. Your baby grew up thinking she was your sister and then with the return of your uncle it all got spilt out. You had several arguments with your family before going to your real daughter in the middle of the street and starting an argument with her at which point she yelled "YOU AIN'T MY MOTHER!" and then you yelled "YES I AM!" which caused a turning point in your life and became one of the most memorable moments in the show. Thanks for lending us your life story by the way, it saved the show.

Please call if you were shot into a canal twenty years ago and were presumed dead, but then returned at which point your adopted daughter threw a fit for not telling her and kinda refused to speak to you for a little bit. She then got off with your real son whilst you had an affair with one woman, betrayed your wife and sell out one of the mafia family of the East End. You then were summoned to the pub where these three women showed up and beat you to death with a dog-shaped doorstop. They then put you in a hole and cemented it over, and you were really dead. By the way, how are you calling us?

Please call if your father who supposedly died twenty years ago came back just after your boyfriend got killed in a fire trying to save a complete bastard called Trevor and you were told you couldn't have kids. You then slept with your adopted father's biological son and got pregnant despite being told by the doctors that you couldn't have kids, your father was killed by a dog-shaped doorstop, and your brother/boyfriend got killed by a boom-boom stick- I mean, gun, leaving you alone, pregnant with a normal-sized baby delivered only five months after concieved. Strange times...

Please call if you are the doctor at Walford Surgery, and you're gonna be fired if you fuck up one more time. Thanks for putting your name on the line for us, man. It means a lot.

Please call if you are the doctor AND had an affair with two women who you thought were sisters but in fact were mother and daughter. Yeah. They were surprised too. I wasn't.

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I think the show lost it's grasp on normality in around 1985.

To those who have been affected by the programme, heed my warning: DO NOT spend your time calling these people for two reasons.

1. Talking about it won't help you. GET YOUR LIFE IN CHECK.

2. They are probably corporate leeches. ITV were.

I DON'T CARE if it's a free helpline, my point still stands. Suck it up.