Rhiley's Christening: The Saga

This past Sunday was my nephew's christening. And before I go any further I'll just point out that none of my family are religious. At all. Ever. It just so happens that my brother's mother-in-law was still talking to us when their first kid was christened, and another two kids later my sister in law is trying to be democratic by keeping them all equal. But now her lizard of a mother isn't talking to any of us because we're common and rough apparently. Charming woman.

Part I: Shopping for presents

Me and my mum had gone out in search of a decent present and a card that didn't have some gawky "Our prayers are with you" crap inside it yesterday and split up to search for a normal-ish card.

We met up ten minutes later to see what we'd found. I held up a "Deepest Sympathy" card.

"Nicky! That's awful." My mum said.

"Well what have you got that's better?" I said, pointing at a card she was holding.

"Just this one. Look, it says 'Get well soon' in it."

Part II: Finding an outfit for my sister

My sister is one of those REALLY hot-headed people who will blow a fuse at almost anything and is also absolutely infuriating to spend time with. So imagine my horror when we had to take her shopping.

Imagine Pearl Harbour with a hint of Hannah Montana.

Bleurgh.

My mum was trying to dress her up like a seven-year-old but my sister wasn't having it at all so I took over and all hell broke loose.

"Cleo... No. Cleo! Those shoes are vile, you look like an effing prostitute."

"Just let me try them on..." She said, holding them behind her back.

"I'm telling you, they're disgusting. They are the pinnacle of ugly."

"JUST let me TRY them ON!" She starts yelling. Marching towards a mirror.

"Well at least get the right size!" I shout after her.

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOT AND LET ME TRY ON THE SHOES!" She screams just as I shriek "THEY'RE THREE SIZES TOO SMALL FOR YOU, ASSHOLE."

Happy families.

Part III: The ceremony

It had already got off to a shaky start with my sister-in-law's family blatantly ignoring my family, sitting on the other side of the church from us, parking on the other side of the car park from us etc. etc. when the vicar asked for Rhiley.

There was a pause...

"He's in the car." My brother mutters before running out.

Then the actual ceremony started, baby and all, when my sisters-of-sorts' kids started SCREAMING. The vicar carried on anyway, talking very loudly. We were given these sheets to read off but we all kept missing our cues and got shown up by my sister-in-law's family who are all devout-ish Roman Catholics and so knew every prayer off by heart while my side of the church was muttering "Where are they reading that from?" and "Fuck! Were we meant to say something?"

And because the after-party was being held in a pub, as soon as the vicar said the last words on the sheet of paper we were given, my great-uncle Chris clapped his hands together and shouted "Right lads, pub!" which carried around the room pretty swiftly.

Part IV: YOUR BOOBS!

My grandma has had breast cancer twice and as a result now has no boobs at all, but has these weird things that she can shove down her bra and I mentioned yesterday that she should wear them, and so she did, but I hadn't noticed...

My brother: "You're looking great grandma." Suck-up...

Grandma: "Well yes... *whispers something* but Nicky hasn't noticed yet..."

Me: "What?" I ponder for a moment, and the church went a little quiet. "YOUR BOOBS!"

The vicar was kind enough to show me the exit.

Part V: The pub

My SIL's parents/family didn't stay around because apparently pubs are below them so it was just my family, my brother's army mates, my sister-in-law's friends and all their kids. Rowdy. As. Fuck.

There was awesome food courtesy of my SIL, awesome Rhiley-cake and awesome drinks, courtesy of the bar but not my mother or brother who refused to buy me any because of a supposed £2500 fine.

Huh. Yeah right.

Whatever.

Part VI: The verdict

Awesome day. Rhiley smelt of religion afterwards though which was slightly alarming. But then he pooped and it was normal again. I also got the first ever picture of me and my dad together EVER which is just amazing.



You could hear the psycho themetune playing at this point.



Rhiley Awesome Face with his sisters Eboni and Kelsi. Don't be fooled by their innocent good looks. They are actually the epitome of evil.



Awesome Face starred on the cake as well.



Me and my bro invented the spazzy snazzy photo.

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The one thing, the one tiny thing, that I could not stomach was Awesome Face's outfit. Cute as he was... bleh. Because honestly?



I've seen it before. And that scares the shit out of me.