My technique is more than satisfactory, thank you very much.

(Sorry this is late. I got drafted out to meet up with my 12-year-old friends whilst they sit around smoking and talking about the night of getting stoned and laid that they have planned, whilst I stood there in my 16-year-old glory, HATING LIFE and babysitting.)

I have friends who go on lovely holidays to lovely places where it isn't so hot you pass out and end up in hospital and also you can drive there, rather than spend five hours in a sealed flying tin with who is probably the most annoying person to grace the earth (That's my sister, by the way).

Also my friends can remember their holidays, I have a gaping blank hole where my summer should have been.

Sucks to be me.

Anyways, my dear, darling, beloved Anner went to Italy and brought me back a present.

It was not gold.

It was not silver.

It was not a trained monkey. (Dance, monkey! Dance!)

It was... PENIS PASTA.



Imagine my surprise when I was handed a packet of these in the common room.

Imagine the look of awe/horror/what'sthelittlefreakdoingthistime? on various people's faces when I squealed "OH MY FUCK THAT'S AWESOME!"

Priceless.



Eating for feminists everywhere! BURN!

It basically supplied a whole day of penis-related humour, which is never really in short stock in the common room anyway.

"You gonna eat them?" - "All at once!"

"They're already hard." - "That's usually best..."

"Surely the black ones should be bigger." - "You know it!"

"How're you gonna react to having all that inside of you?" - "THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!"



Then came the deformed ones... God bless them... They made the boys cringe.

"That one only has one ball! AARON! IT'S YOU BROTHER! WE'VE SEEN YOUR BROTHER IN THE PASTA! HAIL!"



And then when I got home it got SO much worse.

"Mum! Why didn't you cover them up? They're going all hard!"
"That's how you want it, isn't it?"
"SHUT UP YOU SICK PERSON OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT? YOU'RE OLDE, REMEMBER?!"

And then my dad arrived...

"So are the black ones best?"
"Quiet. Eating."
"Don't chew!"
"Jesus Nicky. You're dad's right. There's something wrong with your technique."
*Swallow* "What?"
"It's meant to get harder when it's in your mouth, not softer."
"Bollocks to that, mother. My technique is awesome. Ask anybody."
"... Pardon?"



And then I gobbled it awwwllll up.

The end.

PS. All go over to Jassie's blog because it is her birthday (well, the timezones are all effed up but believe me, right NOW it his her birthday. Right here. In this small part of the world. Look. Just go, okay? I'm sure she won't mind if you're a few hours out. She may even have some penis cake left to share with you. It looked awesome. It had whips and chains and everything. What are you still doing here? GO!).