Assholery is a fine art.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

Well, not literally, or I'd be, like... in a wall or something.

But let's just say that I was in a very bad mood. A monumental bad mood. A bad mood that made it obvious that I was just not meant to interface with human beings on this day. It was the kind of bad mood that had be whimpering in a corner moaning about not having the patience to deal with school today.

It was THAT bad.

But hell, I went to school like a good little mite. And within five minutes of sitting in the common room, I discovered three things about myself:

#1: I'm a terrible human being.
#2: I find it surprisingly hard to function if I have the wrong mix of people around me.
#3: I'm insanely polite, all the time.

The third one is especially true. Apparently I'm a little bit (read: hugely) sick-minded, I think TWSS jokes are the Living Cheese and generally I hate everything with fun, red-hot gusto.

Sadly it sometimes seems like I'm lying to the world. Should I really conceal the sarky, cynical, hot-tempered asshole beneath the cool, calm asshole surface?

For example, a girl I cannot stand got punched in the face yesterday? The dialogue goes something like this:

Red 1: [Redacted] got punched in the face by [redacted] today.

Nicole: Oh? Did it really hurt?

Correct answer: Shit! She beat me to it?!

---

I'm given obscene amounts of homework?

Nicole: Well, sir... I want to make you bleed right now.

Correct answer: I'm gonna fucking cut you.

---

I'm teaching (oh yes, I teach people...) a complete ass, head and hole?

Red 2: Miss? Why are you even here?

Nicole: Because I'm a nice person with too much free time.

Correct answer: Because you're an idiot, son.

[NB: The kids I teach are actually pretty awesome... most of the time.]

---

Life, the list, and all goes on.

It's not that I'm not a nice person. I love individual people, but people in general drive me insane, which basically makes me a bit of an asshole in everyone else's view. I wouldn't change.

It also turns out that I love my fellow assholes. Our Lord Archer, for one, is probably an asshole. A really BIG one. But he's totally lovable and I hang onto his every word because he's just so damn wise and interesting all the time. And it's probably because we're both from working-class backgrounds that I get his asshole-humour, whilst no one else seems to.

Another person I know, Evan, is TOTAL asshole (to the untrained eye). I cannot begin to stress how much of a dick he is. He's arrogant and selfish and totally up himself. He's frustrating and makes no effort with anything and as cocky as hell and I spend a marginal amount less of my time thinking about how to stick it to him than I do thinking of how awesome he is. He's one of my best friends, and I'm glad he appears to be a total dick.

Other assholes I love? Frankie Boyle. You don't know if him? Let me get you upto speed. He's an insanely controversial comedian who was (until recently) a panellist on one of my favourite TV shows EVARR, Mock The Week. He says the most horrendous things and he's widely hated but he's just so damn funny and I am SO pissed that he left Mock The Week.

Witness the awesome, people:



Assholery is a fine art.