So, what does a teenager who doesn't go to school do during the daytime, Kent?

I've had a really up-down-up-down day. I don't think there's a word that equates to up-down-up-down because I typed it into an online thesaurus and it was all what ya chatting about, asshole? Which makes me suspect that it's an American thesaurus. Mostly because I've always assumed that thesauruseses (thesauri?) have American accents.

...Right?

Cookery books have French accents.

Anyway.

My day was kinda awesome at first because I set up the Wii and turned the volume up so I could walk around my house with the controller and nunchuck and box things whilst listening to the poor guy on the TV getting the crap beat out of him. Scared the neighbours when I went near the window though. Never a good idea, they have a big lump of rottweiler that's just gasping for exercise.

Then my exam timetable arrived, cementing the whole oh hell no, I am NOT going back to school thing nice and tight.

Had two panic attacks consecutively after that.

Watched Animal Park which is just awesome because I'm absolutely in love with the wonderful, lovely, too-eccentric Lord Bath, who is probably most famous in the US for being the crazy guy in the sweater from Guidespot's "Awkward Family Portraits will make you say 'WTF?'" (first portrait on the left).

And then I adopted the word 'Pleb' with a capital P because it's my new thing.

And that was my day. See how little I have to work with here?

Happy Chinese New Year!

May all your Chinese dreams come true. (Or hit translate on that - everyone's a winner!)

"We thought this was a real quiet and educated town... and then this happened."

My sister has learnt to do owl calls with her hands (I dunno... I could never do it) which turned out to be hilarious after a solid 24 hours of mating calls.

Yesterday when I was lying on my sofa weeping for humanity recuperating from work, my sister came in looking very high and mighty and announced to everyone that she knew the difference between male and female Teat Owls and bet you don't know, Nicole.

"Teat Owls?" My mum said slowly. I snort. "I think you've been conned, Cleo."

Could not stop laughing.

"Hate you break it to you, Cleo... But tea towels aren't a form of owl. At all. Ever. That's the oldest joke in the book apart from- Oh! Cleo! Someone wrote GULLIBLE on the ceiling!"

She went apeshit. She stormed off into the kitchen and emerged ten minutes later when me and my mum were mid-discussion about the primal habitat of turtle-neck sweaters and said she'd found a Teat Owl in the kitchen.

This is what we found:



I'm gonna call him... Arnie.

I'm thirsty.

Sometimes on a Wednesday we all have to cram into the common room (it was built for about 70, not 300) and sit through being lectured about litter or behaviour or grade targets. Today we went one better - ALCOHOL AWARENESS.

Within about five minutes I was able to say that no one was more aware than me that I was sober.

I won't go into it, but highlights included THE ULTIMATE HANGOVER CURE (turns out it was just time - cop out), Connor (awesome and raging drinker) passing out with a resounding slap on the floor, and making fake wine out of red food colouring and water (I know your game, lady, and I don't like it...).

I went to psychology feeling somewhat thirsty. And hungry. After the lesson I took off to Big Bite which is just THE place to be if you want awesome meat-based food (I lasted less than a week in that place before I stopped being a vegetarian), and on the way back I was a-happily munching on my sandwich when suddenly a big brown splodge appeared on my jacket.

No. Way.

After years, years of tormenting and/or dodging seagulls I had finally been singled out and poops away...!

I spent the rest of the day with my jacket doubled over to hide the big poo stain and trying not to breathe through my nose.



That bird's feathery little butt is mine.

A post about a series of random events strung together by the telling of the aforementioned random events.

There's something truly horrendous about the first day back at school. There's the obvious work factor, then the whole no-sleep thing, and then the 'we don't need no education, fongool' trip. The way the first bell makes your face squinch up with revulsion and then you go to your lesson and OH MY FUCK, homework?! What fresh hell is this?

Everything's amplified. The bus ride to school seems louder and shorter, the common room seems busier, the teachers seem moodier, the lower years are even more in-the-middle-of-the-goshdarn-corridor-assholes that usual and you look around and wonder how the hell you lasted five years in this place, no matter about the next two.

Free periods are boring, because you haven't got anything to do or anyone to talk to, and you end up making random lists to pass the time (I'm a sucker for lists).

11.40am

Things that would be more interesting than what I am doing now (nothing):

- Chasing stray cats

- Examining rocks

- Sticking labels to my forehead

- Throwing tomatoes at the dramatic ponce across the room from me when he winds up his monologue... any time now...

- Spying for the enemy

- Apologising for all the shit I otherwise got away with

- Smuggling crack

- Heart attack

- Spontaneous dancing

- Spontaneous applause

- Spontaneous combustion

- Finding out where Amarillo is

- Respiratory arrest

- Nuclear warfare

- Being held random by a band of Tasmanian bandits

- Fire alarm

- Reading that book that I totally hate but have to study for English and goddamnit I've forgotten it even though I have English twice today, nice work asshole

- Bringing a llama to school

11.50am

Most awesome moments of last week

- 3 y.o. niece informing my brother that the song was NOT 'socks on fire'.

- Finally teaching 1 y.o. nephew to say 'ass...hooooooole' a la Meet The Fockers

- Strutting around a village in the dark wearing BFF Main Gay.5's boxers

- Finding a drunk video on my camera of me telling my sister she sounded like 'REDNEX on crack'

- Gourmet burger bar with the epic 6-inch high burger

- Buying the True Blood box set

---

So basically today was the single most boring day e-v-e-r, and I trudged home giving evils to everything (I think I scared a car, yes, a car - it started screaming and everything) before being DUTCH SAUNA'ED whilst in the shower (think of this as a dutch oven only in a steamy room, I can't even begin to describe how much worse it is...) and finally collapsing on my bed and falling straight through it.

It's the kind of day where I want to elongate everything liiiiiike thiiiiiiis...

It suuuuuuuucks... It's craaaaaaaap. Shiiiiiiitty. Like that.

And then, AND THEN! I got a call... A very mysterious call.

And then I got a job.

So now I work at Argos, one of the great mysteries of the world. "You punch in some numbers, then they go through the door, and beyond that door is... everything..."

Argos is a magical place of hope and wonder, y'all.

So, to summarise: I have a job, I find smuggling crack to be a rewarding career and life, school and everything is just a series of random, crushing, grinding disappointments.

Awesome.

Things I have been doing whilst procrastinating:

- Sleeping until noon.

- Making myself a bedroom door.

- Plotting a great escape.

- Pretending I don't know that seven of my friends' birthdays are happening over the weekend so I can put off having to spend money I really don't have.

- Flying around the countryside on the back of a motorbike.

- Inhaling insects left, right and centre.

- Randomly speaking in an American accent.

- Drooling over True Blood.

- Watching repeats of True Blood.

- Dodging the weird people down Walmgate who pretend they know you, take you down an alley and steal all your damn money. Assholes.

- Suspecting everyone of being said assholes.

- Deciding that standing under a tree in a storm was risky and so sat under a metal bridge instead.

- Getting very wet.

- Going to a surprise party and took lots of pictures.

- Finding tons of pictures of boobs on my camera and spent the night guessing whose they were.

- Cooking for half of the kids on the estate because my mum's friend couldn't afford to feed her kids this week and then my sister invited all her friends around.

- Going slightly mad and barricaded myself in my room.

- Drinking a peculiar Polish drink that made me hyper and dopey at the same time.

- Writhing in agony over the thought of waiting for another seven days for True Blood. Yeah, I'm hooked.

What have you been up to? (if anyone still reads this thing)

Situations in which I like to blast my music:

Oh... What am I saying?

Situations in which I love to blast my music:

- In the ENT department (Ear, Nose and Throat) of York hospital, where they either can't hear you, can't speak to complain or can't talk without sounding like Gonzo from The Muppet Show.

-At the dentists, preferably when in the chair, so at least you can't hear the drill.

- When walking through one of the big parking lots around York where it echoes so it's like a cheap surround sound system. I should so just get a parking lot in my bedroom.

- When babysitting. Nothing like corrupting youthful minds to get your own back on their parents...

- When my sister's trying to watch TV. What? She doesn't do me any favours.


- Lunchtimes in Fulford Youth Centre, sat on the floor behind the pool and football tables.

- Hip Hop with JJ in the school quad when we're trying to put off doing some last-minute work before the exams. ("Oh God that was good." "Yeah we should totally just listen to that again some time.")

- Long car journeys, make them l-o-n-g-e-r I say!

... But my favourite one of all has to be listening to Eminem in the supermarket. There's nothing like walking around with a weird grin on your face because Eminem just recommended that we all "shove a gerbil in your ass through a tube".

Good going, man.

Oooooh it's that time of... huh, whatever.

It's way too hot to go outside, so I made a den under the stairs to avoid those deadly sunrays while I made another little comic for you...

Presenting...

(Click to Enlarge)

Happy Monday.

No, I don't actually believe that.

Put the knife down.