A post about a series of random events strung together by the telling of the aforementioned random events.

There's something truly horrendous about the first day back at school. There's the obvious work factor, then the whole no-sleep thing, and then the 'we don't need no education, fongool' trip. The way the first bell makes your face squinch up with revulsion and then you go to your lesson and OH MY FUCK, homework?! What fresh hell is this?

Everything's amplified. The bus ride to school seems louder and shorter, the common room seems busier, the teachers seem moodier, the lower years are even more in-the-middle-of-the-goshdarn-corridor-assholes that usual and you look around and wonder how the hell you lasted five years in this place, no matter about the next two.

Free periods are boring, because you haven't got anything to do or anyone to talk to, and you end up making random lists to pass the time (I'm a sucker for lists).

11.40am

Things that would be more interesting than what I am doing now (nothing):

- Chasing stray cats

- Examining rocks

- Sticking labels to my forehead

- Throwing tomatoes at the dramatic ponce across the room from me when he winds up his monologue... any time now...

- Spying for the enemy

- Apologising for all the shit I otherwise got away with

- Smuggling crack

- Heart attack

- Spontaneous dancing

- Spontaneous applause

- Spontaneous combustion

- Finding out where Amarillo is

- Respiratory arrest

- Nuclear warfare

- Being held random by a band of Tasmanian bandits

- Fire alarm

- Reading that book that I totally hate but have to study for English and goddamnit I've forgotten it even though I have English twice today, nice work asshole

- Bringing a llama to school

11.50am

Most awesome moments of last week

- 3 y.o. niece informing my brother that the song was NOT 'socks on fire'.

- Finally teaching 1 y.o. nephew to say 'ass...hooooooole' a la Meet The Fockers

- Strutting around a village in the dark wearing BFF Main Gay.5's boxers

- Finding a drunk video on my camera of me telling my sister she sounded like 'REDNEX on crack'

- Gourmet burger bar with the epic 6-inch high burger

- Buying the True Blood box set

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So basically today was the single most boring day e-v-e-r, and I trudged home giving evils to everything (I think I scared a car, yes, a car - it started screaming and everything) before being DUTCH SAUNA'ED whilst in the shower (think of this as a dutch oven only in a steamy room, I can't even begin to describe how much worse it is...) and finally collapsing on my bed and falling straight through it.

It's the kind of day where I want to elongate everything liiiiiike thiiiiiiis...

It suuuuuuuucks... It's craaaaaaaap. Shiiiiiiitty. Like that.

And then, AND THEN! I got a call... A very mysterious call.

And then I got a job.

So now I work at Argos, one of the great mysteries of the world. "You punch in some numbers, then they go through the door, and beyond that door is... everything..."

Argos is a magical place of hope and wonder, y'all.

So, to summarise: I have a job, I find smuggling crack to be a rewarding career and life, school and everything is just a series of random, crushing, grinding disappointments.

Awesome.