My Friends: Actually.

I just recalled my purpose here:

To tell the world of my friends and their incredible similarity to characters from Love Actually.

Indeed... Let me introduce you...

Me: Colin Frissell

Key quotes:

'I am Colin Frissell, god of sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.'
'I am! I'm going to America!'
'Hello, my future wife.'

Tilda: Juliet

Key quotes:

'Banoffee pie?'
'All I want is a video of me in a dress that isn't turquoise.'
'Oh, bingo! Well done you!'

Matt: This guy (forgotten his name) *

[Either that or THE WORST DJ IN THE WORLD]

Key quotes:

'I do admit, the prostitutes were a mistake.'
'No surprises.'
'Erm, excuse me! Those aren't funny! They're actually art.'

Anna: Sarah

Key quotes:

'I've done fuck all and I never will because he is too good for me.'
'Do you think KARL knows that?!'
'Well I'm not sure if it'll be possible to get hold of the pope tonight... well I'm sure he's very good at exorcisms b-... Yes well I'm sure Bon Jovi is too.'

Emma: Carol (Carol had only a small part in the film so I couldn't find a picture)

Key quotes:

'Nooo! That's cool!'
'I'll make SURE we do.'
'Ahh sorry!'

[I've fallen short here... But It's difficult to put Emma into context with someone with so few lines... It's more to do with the fact that Carol is obviously funny and sweet and kind.]

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Anna agrees with me that I'm Colin Frissell's female equivalent, this is the ultimate sign of correctness: Anna Approved.

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

Ok, I give up.

See that the description thingy remains unchanged because I cannot be arsed to do anything anymore.

(This is a side-effect of the pills... I know this, but there's nothing I can do so I'm riding it out)

Here are several reasons why my life sucks in the extreme:

- I'm stuck in bed with no signs of ever leaving it again.
- I've missed one exam already, I also have fuckloads of mock exams next week.
- I appear to have forgotten how to use sarcasm.
- I am very angsty and need to go to an angsty home.
- I take everything too seriously. There is not a way in this world or the next that I could be only fifteen.
- My life is boring and ruled over by school, a place I don't really want to be anymore.
- I can't afford to go to America and even though I have my gorgeous little America Fund, there is no way I'll have enough money until atleast 2020.
- I'm failing miserably at school. I need a B in biology to take it for A Level and so far I have two Cs, when I went to resit the exam I was ill and now I've missed stupid amounts of lessons because, you guessed it, I'm ill.
- I'm ill.
- Everyone is miserable at school.
- I'm so tired but I can't sleep anymore today.
- My nose is all squashed because I fell asleep on my face again.

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And now, a few reasons why my life is fantastic:

- Twilight comes out as a movie in less than a month.
- New Moon is going to be made into a movie.
- I'll have enough money to do the Christmas shopping soon (I'm weird... I get more of a kick out of buying things for other people than I do for myself)
- I'm only on the pills for three more days before I can enter reality again.
- I have a history test tomorrow but I won't be sitting it.
- I'm listening to a song called 'Twilight Sun' which is a very very good song.
- My Twilight shirt and hat will arrive soon and I can go around being the unofficial Twilight street-team whilst Anna commits me to an asylum.
- Only six more months of school before I can leave FOREVER (And then come back to go to the sixth form... should I get in, which seems more unlikely by the minute.)
- I read Twilight for the umpteenth time today and I still get a kick out of reading it.
- I could probably try to sleep now.

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Hmm... I sound ever so slightly obsessed now...

But hey, it's not the first time Twilight has given me something to live for.

(See September this year)

(Actually, don't. I don't think I wrote it down because I was on such a huge downer all month)

(Hmm... Lemme check)

Aha, found it.

'Walking down the stone steps into the cellar I kept thinking, ‘what if I just let my legs go now?’ and I realised that I didn’t want to think about that predicament... I needed to read my book first.

There’s something highly pathetic... If not downright unhealthy... about the fact I was letting my care for life hang in the balance of a book.'

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Unhealthy, that's it, right there.

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

To Eboni:

Boo! Hehehe, scared you.

I hope you are feeling okay now. I know Daddy scared you when he got the saw out and threatened to cut your head off. He was only joking though...

I hope you had a happy birthday. I remember when you were born, three years ago today, you had black hair and dark eyes, just like me when I was a baby. And I remember when you were a tiny baby, and all your hair fell out and your daddy would always call you Baldy, because your hair didn't grow back as quickly as Kelsi's did (I think... Sadly I didn't know Kelsi existed until she was seven months old) and you were all grumpy.

You're a gorgeous little girl with clever-looking eyes and beautiful curly blond hair. You want to be a doctor when you are older and today you were running around in a nurse's outfit making everyone feel better before your daddy scared you off and we all had to try and calm you down.

Three years old! That's HUGE!

But I know you'll enjoy the cake, no matter how old you are.

Auntie Cole xxx

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

To Kelsi:

My oldest niece. She's having an operation today (her hearing is really bad, she's having her ears.. umm... tweeked...) and so I figure I should say something.

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Hey baby, good luck and don't worry, it won't hurt too much and you'll get lots of love and cuddles when you wake up. I'll give you a big hug when I next see you (probably tomorrow) and I'll tell your daddy to send my love. Love you so much. Nicole x.

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Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

Auf 2018...

Yumm... A nice slice of German in that title...

In 2018, when I'm twenty five and the education-ish part of my life is pretty much done with, I'd like to be:

• In America. Forks to be precise. If I live there I'll probably be alone, but that doesn't bother me so much. If I still live in York, I'll have used my America Fund to visit Forks by that time. If I'm in York I won't be living at home anymore.
• I'll be a doctor by then. I'll have finished medical school and I'll know lots. Either that or I'll be an utter failure living on benefits.
• Hmmm... My brother is only twenty four and he has three kids already... So there is hope for the twenty-five-year-old me...
• I might have found that person. Might. I doubt I'll run into them anytime soon though. (how depressing)
• I'll be able to drive, and I'll be driving everywhere.
• Kelsi will be fifteen, Eboni will be thirteen and Rhiley will be ten, so my brother and sister-in-law may be in a lunatic asylum by that point.
• I might have lost weight... Apologies for adding that highly superficial comment but it is true, or more, it could be.

Time will tell...

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

Out in the real world.

We all call it that.

THE REAL WORLD.

And so, dear friends, I must ask... What in the name of all things good and holy (or evil and benign, if you swing that way) is 'the real world'.

I mean, you don't say 'Back in a moment! Just gonna go buy a newspaper in the real world!' now do you? And that newspaper isn't called 'News Of The Real World' either.

So what the hell is the 'real' world?

Am I not part of the real world because I am still attending a school? Teachers work at school, but they are all clued up on 'the real world' and apparently when we go into 'the real world' we will appreciate their shouting and screaming at us, preparation it seems.

We mere students call it 'the real world' too... But only because it's common language these days. I think we don't exist at the moment... I think I'm a figment of your imagination and you should just stop reading.

Now.

Or not.

What the hell is the REAL world?

Bloody teachers... Do they really think so low of us that we don't actually exist to them?

Anyway, I'm on the verge of whining, which, as I'm sure you clever real-worldish people know, would not be good.

Well, this is me - or not, as I may not exist - for the next few months (until June) and so I'll see you out in the real world soon enough.

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

To Rhiley:

Hello there baby boy.

Guess how much I love you. This much! No... Not that much, that much barely covers my love for your fingertips, never mind the rest of you!

No, I love you more than anything in the world. You probably don't recognise me. Me and your mummy don't talk much, but when we do it's great. If you've heard me, I'm the one telling your mummy to sit down and relax, or telling your daddy off for making silly comments.

I'd hoped for ages that you would come into the world... And when your big sister Kelsi told me that you were in mummy's tummy I was so happy... I couldn't wait. A little baby! Something new and shiny, something to treasure and keep safe. And when I found out you'd be a boy... My heart blew up, that's all I can describe it as. It exploded with reserves of love.

Before you were born, baby boy, I thought about you always, I counted down the days, annoyed your sisters by talking about the new baby boy so much that they got bored and wondered off to talk to your Auntie Cleo. But I didn't mind... Your sister's can be mean, but they still love me, and they'll still love you, even if they tease you as you grow older.

October 2008, I was waiting for you, I couldn't stop dreaming of you and I missed not having you there. And when you were born, my darling, I couldn't believe how much I loved you, and I still do, love.

Your mummy and daddy couldn't think of a name for you... I told them names of characters from my books, Twilight books, and you'll understand one day just how much I love these books, more than my own life. No name seemed good enough. They were going to call you Mason... Mason! Can you believe it? The books helped me see the name better, it was special... But not special enough, sweetheart.

When I first saw you, Auntie Cleo pushed me away and so it was just a glimpse I caught. It broke my heart, baby, not seeing you after waiting so long. But later that day your mummy, daddy and sisters came to a party for your auntie Cleo (you'll also learn just how picky and spoilt she is... unless she grows out of it... not likely...) and I held you for the first time. It was magic, Rhiley, you were so warm and small and sleepy, it felt so right to be holding you. Everything else in my sham of a life fell away and for a too-short moment my existence circled around you, little guy. I sang to you as well, the classics of course, most of the tracklist of Abba Gold, to be specific. And then I got you to feed... I was the first person to do that. I'm sure you (as a twenty-three-hour-old new born) didn't intend anything more than a tasty snack, but to me it felt like you were saying 'Hello, Auntie Cole, I can see you'd never give me anything nasty, and so bottoms and bottles up!'. It was like you'd accepted me. I smiled down at you and stuck my tongue out, and then, baby, a little pink tongue came out of your mouth as well. I could feel my love for you in my throat, it had swelled that much.

You fell asleep in your daddy's arms and we listened to your little snores. Oh yes, sweetheart, even then, you snored. But too soon you had to go home.

I went away that weekend with friends. My thoughts were wrapped around you, darling. I asked your grandma if you had a name yet... Rhiley, she said. And suddenly I had a name for the little thing I loved so much. You went to see some fireworks that night, Rhiley. You didn't like them, if I had been there I would have taken you far away from it and told you all about Twilight how one day maybe you could come with me to America, or visit me if I lived there by then. But I wasn't there, and I'm sorry baby, I'll never not be there for you again.

You're so tiny right now, darling. So small and pink and being forced to watch Hollyoaks with your daddy and listen to your sisters' screaming. But you're the most loved baby in the world, you always will be.

But soon, baby... You'll be a toddler. You'll be running around and kicking footballs with your daddy, and I'll be giving you cuddles all the time and buying you little treats and telling you how much I love you. And when your sisters fight I'll be the one to take you away from it and hold you tight until grandma or Cleo stop it. And when you fall over and hurt yourself I'll kiss it better.

When you go to school I'll cry on your first day. I'll be so proud of you. You are going to be coolest boy there, and by far the most handsome. And you'll be so clever, and you'll bring pictures home for your mummy and daddy and when you come to visit me, Cleo and your grandma you might bring us a picture too, and I'll buy the photoframe myself, and I'll hang it on the wall for everyone to see. And when they ask who drew it, I'll say My little Rhiley.

You're daddy will tease you about your first girlfriend, but I'll tell you how proud I am, even though no girl could be good enough for you, Rhiley. I'll even give you the sex talk if you want. And when you're a teenager and your hormones are driving you mad, I'll give you whatever you want and then leave you be, I'll make it as easy as possible for you Rhiley, I know it'll be difficult.

And when you are an adult... Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea how much happiness I see in the future with you there! You'll have a job that you will be good at, you'll have a steady girlfriend and if you get married... I'll sit on the front row and cry my heart out for you. I'll say an embarrassing speech at the after-party and you'll be annoyed until I remind you how much I love you, and then it was never intended as malice.

You'll have cousins from me by that point. They'll be kind to you. They'll be the kind of cousins that remember your birthdays and buy you things at Christmas, and you won't have to send us thank you letters because I know it feels like a waste of time.

When you have your first child I'll cry again, you'll make me cry so much, baby. But I won't mind, you'll be worth everything that I ever endure. You'll get me through the hard times without having to try, just because I love you. And if we ever argue, if you are ever angry with me, you'll know I love you, just because I've told you so many times over your life.

I'll let you shout, I'll let you swear and cry and tell the world to get screwed if that's what it comes to, and I'll listen to everything you have to say, if you want to tell me. And I'll let you drink coffee past your bedtime and stay awake with you when you are upset or scared. You can stay at my house sometime and we'll watch films and listen to music. That could be cool Rhiley, the world's your oyster.

But that's then... Right now you're so small and pink... And I'll see you tomorrow baby, and I'll hold you again and I'll talk to you, I might tell you about this. I'll tell you everything if time is on our side.

You'll not call me anything for now, but when you are one year old you'll start to called me Cole, maybe. Then it'll be Aunt Cole, then Acole, then Nicole.

But you'll always be Rhiley to me.

Lots of love, as always.

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.

Inside my mind

Joy. General Owen-ness has spread to my MySpace page, he keeps leaving messages.

God I wish he would leave me alone...

I wish I could tell him to, if not for my sake then for his, because I am under no circumstances going to return his love and also I know that the longer he keeps this up the more it's going to hurt him later, and the more I'll feel I have to stick around where I'd rather not.

That's my problem. I'm too ruled over by my conscience that I'm effectively crippled. If not that, I'm definitely sanctioned.

(and Valentina, I've just checked the forum... I want to talk to you about this but I'm having to appear offline all the time to avoid Owen)

Well... Emma, Anna and Tilda woke up this morning and were talking about me because they'd all heard me talking in my sleep, I pretended to be asleep and listened to them ramble on about it. Apparently I had said 'Stop it!' once and then said 'I can't breathe!' Hmmm... I can't remember what I was dreaming about exactly.

My mum phoned and so I had to pretend to wake up. I grumbled down the phone for a little while but I don't think I made sense (I rarely do first thing on a morning) and so I phoned her back a couple of minutes later claiming to be more coherent.

We all took turns getting washed and dressed and by the time I had got a bath and was dressed everyone was packed up and downstairs getting breakfast. We were annoyed that Anna's sister's friends had eaten and drank all our food and so Emma and Tilda went to the shop. After I while I went down to the cash point to withdraw some money for the America Fund.

Went back to the house and had some coffee before cleaning the kitchen. Anna's mum arrived and we finished cleaning the house (well, the parts of the house our group were in... Anna's sister's friends can clean the rest) before packing up and driving home...

I started trying to choose whether to read Twilight or Chocolat. I realised there really was no competition and read a couple of chapters of Twilight, I swapped and read a chapter of Chocolat to make up for it. Anna's mum said I'd get travel sickness if I tried to read whilst travelling but I said I wouldn't, of course now I was aware of the fact I started to feel sick and had to stop... I couldn't shake the sickness off because of the jolty indie music playing in the car. I turned my MP3 player on and was listening to Mostly Autumn when I tipped my head back and tried very hard not to think. Occasionally I would try to pick up Twilight and start reading again but I felt too sick. I gave up and closed my eyes again. Tilda picked up Twilight (fearless, that one...) and started to read, Anna was amazed that I'd let her touch the book at all.

It made me sad when I heard the pages turn as Tilda read, I didn't want the books to corrupt her mind too, I hoped they wouldn't affect her so badly.

I opened my eyes once and saw she had the cover bent around the back of the book as she read it, I winced and asked her to be careful, she saw the obvious pain on my face and I think my obsession with the books clicked into place in her head. We were in the car for a long time as we were stuck in traffic so Tilda had read a fair bit of the book by the time we pulled up outside my house. I let her borrow it. She was really understanding about it... Making sure I'd be ok without the book. I think this weekend has helped clear up some clouded areas of our knowledge of each other...

Tilda promised to try read the book fast and is also letting me borrow a Coldplay album.

Cool.

Got home and collapsed on the sofa... I was instantly pissed off at my sister.

Made the gravy to go with dinner... It wasn't bad at all...

I unpacked my suitcase and got a shower, it was freezing when I got out and I crawled into bed to read New Moon for a while.

It took a lot of willpower to get out of bed and finish packing my school bag...

I remembered to put my money in the America Fund and it felt good to do it. I think this is a good thing, it feels right to be taking the America Fund seriously and so I guess America is the right way to go.

I'm lying on my bed (it feels great to be back in my room) typing away on my laptop now...

I hate this feeling though... It's felt great, natural even, to be away from school, and I don't want to go back there tomorrow and feel terrible all the time...

Ugh.

Joy.

Though I guess I can daydream for a little while...

Ha, a little while... I'll be dreaming all day.

I can update Die Zeit then.

Sie Erfasst Mein Herz.