No one mourns the wicked.

I don't know whether it's my happy pills making me edgy (they're actually meant to cure anxiety, the bastards) or if I'm just having one of those damning epiphanies but I'm nervous about leaving the house tomorrow.

It's hard to explain. I go to work everyday, I see the same faces and many, many new ones that I'll never see again. None of them know me that well, or at all, and I have the ability to run on auto-pilot at work.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my friends who know me well enough to get it right on the first or second guess and I'm nervous as hell.

I haven't been to school in about two and a half months now. I haven't seen three of my four closer friends in nearly a month. I can't describe how I feel about that because on top of being totally fucked up from the inside out, my head, my judgement and my ability to feel and know it's not The Big Bad making me feel like that is clouded.

Lemon. I haven't seen her nearly as much as I should since she went to college. We all went through the lower school together and then Lemon left for college. Now that I've been out of school for so long I can imagine what it feels like, being away from people your so accustomed to.

Anner. I saw her everyday at school, met her at every break, spent every lunchtime with her and loved it. Insane and insanely good company, only somehow she always managed to make me look like the twisted, evil, insane one. Evil git. God, I love my Anner.

Mo-Balls. A total babe magnet, Mo-Balls wouldn't be sighted in our company very much, she's loved by everyone and is just gosh-to-goodness fantastic. She's also absolutely hopeless. Only don't tell her I said that. Jesus...

BFF Main Gay.5. Thinking of him makes me ache a little. He doesn't talk to me now. The last time we spoke he shouted at me, telling me to do something, anything that wasn't doing nothing. I love him a lot, he's like some close relative to me, and like most of my close relatives right now, he doesn't understand how my head is all that well. That's not his fault.

I remember reciting everyone's timetables every year as we grew up. Arranging to meet up at school, out of school. Organising trips to Whitby, meeting up to exchange Christmas presents. One of my favourite days ever: Christmas Eve 2008 sat on the City Walls with my urban family, just sitting about, being together.

So I'm nervous. I loved being with my friends, I loved the hugs and the laughs and the love that we all just exuded and soaked up. I'm not sure if it'll be the same tomorrow, just like old times where we meet up with lots of smiles and catching up.

I feel like I'm standing at the end of a really long tunnel. That's what it feels like. My head feels full, I feel not cold, but dead and I'm just losing. I don't know what I'm losing.