At least I'm not dead yet.

That's all you people ever seem to do, really. Die.

(In case you didn't know, I have no intention of dying. Ever.)

I cannot even begin to tell you how much death has been going on this weekend.

It started on Saturday, when I bought over $100-worth (it's in dollars because it sounds more impressive than mere sterling £££) of Twilight things. Three things died in that moment.

1. My pride.
2. My bank balance.
3. Part of the man who served me in the store.

My heart goes out to all those who had to suffer for this.

And then...

On Sunday, I went into town again to buy a DVD, I came out with eight of the bastards. My bank card was screaming in agony at this point.

Then I was watching I Am Legend, but skipped over parts because the plague mutants looked too much like The Mummy and that guy always scares the shit out of me the first few times and in that EVERYBODY died. Then the guy who survived died to save two other people who survived and then-

*sigh*

You all died, people.

Monday... Huzzah! Bank Holiday. No school.

First things first, we - being my mum and me - had to drag my dad to A&E (Ummm... 'ER' in American-ish?) after we thought his lungs had exploded or something and it turned out it was just how he was which led to my mum letting rip a volley of 'freak's and 'weirdo's.

Went to visit my grandma in hospital, I don't like her ward. It smells of piss and general bad hygiene and the company was absolutely terrible... It's not a place a human, or any animal, should have to spend more than a couple of seconds in without holding their breath and wearing scuba gear. Kind of like school, actually.

I killed an hour reading all the 'CRITICAL: AVOID THE SPREAD OF DISEASES' messages that coated the walls and ceiling and watching an old lady flip out over a picture of a pig that her grandchild drew for her.

A nurse came over to see what was wrong and was fussing over the old lady.

I turned to my grandma and said 'Must be pretty vigilant with the whole swine flu thing around here, huh?'. She didn't hear me.

'I said: Must be pretty tough on the whole swine flu thing around here!'

'What?'

'I SAID THE NURSES HAVE GOT THE WHOLE WARD FLIPPING OUT OVER SWINE FLU, GRANDMA.'

Dead. Silence.

After a few moments of receiving the full-on stink eye of death from the nurse across the room, my grandma piped up 'It's a load of old bollocks if you ask me'.

Well said Grandma, well said.

---

I'd promised my niece - Kel - that I'd go visit her this weekend and we'd blow out candles for my birthday so my bro's house was the next stop. Unfortunately I'd also said that my friends would come too (she's in love with Tilda, D.L. Denny and Lemon after Friday night, and Tilda wasn't even there. THAT is how good she is) but I didn't bring them...

Translation: I was in d-e-e-p shit.

But when I got to my brother's house, there was a sombre air...

No-Name the guinea pig had died.

Kel's guinea pig.

Had it been Bunny's guinea pig it wouldn't have been so bad, because Bunny is cold and unemotional three years old and ape-shit crazy. Kel, however, is a lunatic, but loves drama. LOVES IT. So when I got inside and settled down next to Rhiley, the only sane one of my brother's offspring, I became the victim of a guilt-trip because I didn't want to see some poor guinea pig's corpse. Particularly one that has been through four weeks with my nieces.

Poor little blighter, it was doomed from the start.

Just to top if off, I watched The Holiday today as well... It was one of the DVDs I bought in a sale.
I was horrified to see the silly woman (no disrespect... Her accent almost makes me appreciate being English) stood inhaling gas from the cooker after her douchebag ex-boyfriend got engaged.
I mean... There are better things to do at a time like this!!!

Jude Law, for example.

D'oh!

Strange lady. I wouldn't be caught doing that if I was a stone's throw away from Jude Law, that's for sure.