It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas...

So yesterday I was suckered into babysitting my brother's kids. Go me.

I actually love my brother's kids. Kelsi, Eboni and Rhiley are perhaps the funniest kids of their age (6, 4 and 1 respectively) I've ever met. Kelsi is loopy, shy-but-loud and giggly, Eboni is absolutely feral and cheeky and Rhiley is just quirky and hosts some of the best facial expressions everrr.



(Eboni [3, now 4] Rhiley [0, now 1] Kelsi [5, now 6] - I don't know what Rhiley is wearing here. It was his Christening [not my idea, or anyone elses, it just happened one day] but I think he looks like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters)

I had the ingenius idea of buying Eboni some Sea Monkeys for her birthday last week, but according to Kelsi and her shiny new pink DS Lite, Father Christmas has already been this year.

I look at my brother, then shake my head. He does these things in style. He left Kelsi an I.O.U from the tooth fairy.

Anyhoo, babysitting my nieces/nephew always starts out the same. Eboni and especially Kelsi scream and shout "Nicoooooooooole!" when they see me, waking Rhiley up, before my brother, Golden Balls, and sister-in-law go out. I'm then stuck with three kids, two of which are bouncing off the ways, one of which would be if he could walk.

The only difference in the first five minutes was that my SIL poked her head through the window and said "By the way, Rhiley's been eating prunes. See ya!" before I'm left with a baby who is now growling and visibly straining.

Oh. Dear. God.

Cue slight hysteria, with me begging Rhiley to keep his nappy clean and Kelsi and Eboni shouting about the smell.

Crap. Literally.

"He'll, ah, be okay, I think..." I say to the girls, who are now dragging my laptop out of my bag and trying to set up some music (Eboni is convinced it has a touch screen, dun dun duuunnn...) before ABBA starts blasting out and the girls start dancing to Mamma Mia like only small, hyper kids can.

"Dance, Nicole! Dance!" Three minutes later I'm caught up trying to keep both girls happy, because one sulks if I dance with the other for two long.

Half an hour later all I'm hearing is "Dance monkey, dance!" and Rhiley is growling again. Joy.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and say "Kelsi: Wipes, nappy. Eboni: Find the changing mat." They're off like a shot. Rhiley is grinning up at me with an air of triumph. I look down at him, biting my lip. This is going to be horrible.

The girls come back, place all the stuff on the floor and try to get Rhiley to lie down. He won't.

"Pleaaaase, Rhiley!" The girls say. He wriggles and whines.

"Be careful he doesn't wee in your face, Nicole." Kelsi chimes in quietly.

"...Thanks Kelsi."

Eventually I decide I'm going to try and change him sitting up. I spin him round, then turn around to grab a nappy. I turn to find him with his back to me again. I turn him round again, he shuffles back round. It goes on like this for a solid two minutes, with the girls cackling hysterically. Eventually I manage to get his nappy off, and straight away he puts his foot in it. Before I can say "wolverines" he's stuck his hand in it and the smell is just cruel. "Nooooo..." I croon. "You pain in the arse."

"Ohmmm! You said 'arse'!" Kelsi chimes.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No, you did."

"Only because you did."

"Yeah, but you did."

I sit there, up to my eyes in baby crap with a baby who is now smearing the fucking floor with poop whilst arguing over whosaidwhat with a six year old and then...

"No, Kelsi, I said farce which means like trouble, you kno-OH MY GOD!"

Rhiley is now sat in a puddle of pee, as well as poo.

"How does your dad make it look so easy?!" I whine. Eboni shrugs.

I sigh. Fine, then. Eboni gets me a towel and Kelsi starts mopping up the mess, whilst I struggle on with Rhiley until I finally get him dressed.

After the whole episode I get the girls some cookies, show them that the Sea Monkeys have hatched ("But they don't look like monkeys!") and send them off to bed before sitting Rhiley in his cot. He starts giggling like a maniac.

"Oi, you're meant to be going to sleep, mister." I say, tucking him, still giggling, in.

After a while I decide he'll eventually wear himself out, so I go out and close the door. The giggling stops immediately.

I consider opening the door to see if he'll start up again but then decide that no, actually I need a cold shower and my good friend Stella (Artois).