Archives: The beginning of the end

It’s my new year’s resolution to swear less, and in light of that I feel you should know where my potty mouth was born.

Not interested?

It was in the middle of a river.

Still not interested?

Piss off for a few minutes please.

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One of my aunties used to live in this massive old Tudor house with four other families. She lived – and still lives – in Norfolk, and me and various members and friends of my family went to stay there for a while seven summer ago.

My auntie Carrie is difficult to describe. She’s got this kind of infectious enthusiasm and infamously got my mother drunk and fell asleep in a field at three o’clock in the morning after ‘walking the goldfish’.

One day auntie Carrie took me and my cousins - Megan, Aaron, Kira, Charlotte and Charlotte’s friend Katherine - to Longleat Forest for the day. It was fairly warm – summer – and me and my sister had just invested in an inflatable boat. This, of course, became the star attraction.

We’d been swimming in the river all day. We were covered in green algae and Megan had had a run-in with some leaches but we were children, we didn’t care so much. I decided to utilise my boat as it was too cold to stay in the water but I didn’t want to leave it just yet. Katherine came with me.

Now let me remind you that this was a river that we were floating in.

We’d been cruising in a shallower part of the river; the oars could still touch the floor. Soon this wasn’t the case. The scenery was different – wilder. Reeds were creeping closer on both sides and the oars were no help against the current anymore.

I’d heard all the stories; parents being told not to let their children play in boats by the sea. It hit me hard. This could end up in the sea.

I started screaming. Katherine told me to calm down. Megan and Charlotte had started swimming after the boat. Grabbing the tow rope I screamed at her...

‘CALM DOWN?! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! THIS RIVER COULD GO ROUND HALF OF BLOODY ENGLAND FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!’

And that’s the story of my first cuss word.