I don't remember yesterday...

Last night I was making a shopping list and I found a notebook that I took to Tenerife over summer. It was a very interesting read because I took it everywhere with me. I remember making waiters nervous when I sat in restaurants by the seafront taking notes. That may have been why they kept lining up free drinks for me.

Enjoy.

Lying in hospital strapped to machines on oxygen with numerous IVs in each hand:

"This never happened before I met Bill, it's all Eric's fault" - Apparently I said that. Lying in a Tenerifian private hospital somewhat pissed off that I'm in for a long recovery because APPARENTLY vampires don't actually exist and so I can't just siphon some blood off one of them. Crapola.

Reflections on being in hospital:

Two hours of my life spent thinking I was Sookie Stackhouse. So not only did I think the voices I was hearing where thought, I thought I was American, had no parents and was screwing at least one of two very hot vampires. Oh how disappointed I was to be.

Sitting by a volcanic beach contemplating nudity:

Climatising to public partial nudity the only way I know how = staring hard. Somewhat annoyed and insecure that my reaction is larger than those of the guys here. Maybe all Spaniards are celibate. I'm willing people's shorts into action just so I look normal.

How much the locals loved me:

Already renamed 'Señorita Loco' by the local locals after I invested in a particularly unbecoming hat.

Sat in a bar with small children screaming at their parents for money:

I am far too poor and humble to be around so many spoilt, whiny and rich children. When I have kids, we'll live in a trailer in Louisiana or Arkansas and a 'treat' will be a trip to WalMart where I'll buy them chocolate milk... IF THEY'RE LUCKY. Yeehaw.

The Presidente-lady of the apartment building visits:

The Presidente visited the pool today. Tempted to have a 'The Young Ones' moment and strut around in a motorcycle helmet with a baseball bat yelling 'VIVA EL PRESIDENTE!' - it's a pity I can't move.

Ruminations on the law:

One of the great things about Tenerife is the law. It's AWESOME. Hospital time aside, I've spent every night ordering drinks and being dared to down x amount of shots by bar owners. I think the USA's drinking age restriction is 21, in the UK it's 18 and here in Tenerife it's about 5.

Looked in the mirror:

Look like Frankenstein's monster's wife's second cousin-in-law. Feeling similar.

Decided bad things only happen to me when I do expensive things:

Furthermore, will not spoilt kids so that they know a good thing when they see it, unlike my mammon of a sister.

Setting affairs in order:

List of priorities:
- Have more vampire dreams
- Find purple hate
- Buy cheap but nice jewelry
- Buy stamps
- Send postcards
- Cause Cleo harm
- Get a decent night's sleep.

Must've written this in the dead of night because my handwriting is impossible:

...And on the ninth day, she arrested.

Must've missed English food:

...Ploughman's sandwich. And if you don't know what one of those is, I'm disgusted and think you should go assemble cheese, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, Branston Pickle (only the best) and a tiny splodge of mayo on some buttered brown bread and sink your teeth in. It's 400 calories of burning love.

I love myself:

Ten good things about me:

1. I am charming. Really.
2. I almost never forget to brush my teeth.
3. When I sustain blows to the head I talk funny.
4. I make the best mushroom stroganoff EVER.
5. If I freak out, I got the whole hog.
6. I don't do small injuries. At all. Ever.
7. I'm so allergic to everything at bread and water is good enough in ANY situation.
8. I can make you look skinny.
9. I can drink like a whale.
10. I'm very simple.

Oddly enough I can't remember writing any of this.