Reaching out and giving in.

Everyone take a deep breath, this probably won't make sense unless you are me, and I don't think you are. (Or are you...?)

Over the summer my parents came to blows because my mum found out that my dad had been seeing someone else. Sucks big time, right? I suppose so. I'll admit there were a few days weeks where I'd lie in bed listening to mum crying, or mum shouting, or my sister working herself up into a state, and by the end of it all I was left holding everything together.

This makes me very bitter.

I've always been oddly detached from my family. I don't really know my dad (I'm 90% sure he's awesome) despite living with him all my life, I don't get along with my sister by any stretch of the imagination and I spend half of my time arguing with my mum. I spend a lot of time shut away in my room. I don't mind it, particularly because it means that when my parents did split, or whatever they did, I felt like it didn't affect me. I was just holding up for someone else whilst they got back on their feet.

I had actually suspected that my dad was doing the dirty with this women. I can't remember why because that was all pre-Tenerife and I lost all that memory when I got amnesia but I remember suspecting it. And then I turned out to be right.

This women, I should point out, is great. She's gorgeous and lovely and funny and friendly and cuddly and also an amazing singer. I don't want to hate her because she's so amazing, and I thought so before it turned out she was sleeping with my dad. But I've always felt conflicted because when Hooker found out that his dad was sleeping with someone else, he hated his dad and stuck by his mum, and hates the women his dad went off with even more. Every other case I've heard has a similar result.

But I don't feel anything. Nothing close to that.

I'm a little frustrated that my mum has been cheated by a guy she's been with for 20 years, but I don't feel for that anywhere near enough.

Last night I was at one of the better venues in York watching a friend's band (I've grown up around the York music scene, I know everyone) and I saw tons of people I know from different bands and the fans of different bands that I see at all the gigs and conventions. I love this time of year where the bands and fans come home and play Christmas shows, because we all get together and make a weekend of it, as we are this weekend.

I was stood on the platform by the lighting decks watching the band when I saw her. I was stupidly interested in what she was doing and just watched her going around hugging people and dancing. A tiny, melodramatic voice in the back of my head was saying "She's the one that broke your home. She split your parents up." but like I said, it just seemed melodramatic. I wanted her to see me, I wanted her to recognise me and look nervous so I could tell her it's okay and buy her a drink, because for some stupid reason I'm the one that feels guilty.

What's wrong with me?

I should've be angry. I should've shoved her and screamed and shouted and thrown my drink at her. I should have been hysterical. Instead I smiled at her and watched her dance with a plump old lady to the last song. I danced along with her from the platform, laughing as people started to join in.

It's the kind of thing that makes me feel defective. Am I a terrible daughter or a compassionate being? I can't explain myself.

And I don't try to. When I get home I look at my mum, asleep in my sister's room, and go to lock up, wondering where my dad is. This is my lot and despite my complaints, I deal with it.

I started this post thinking that I'd give this woman a pardon and hope that she didn't let me down, but now I don't know where I stand.

And I forget just why I taste -
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind