The cat's mother.

I am Nicole is someone who regularly posts here is going to post about Nicole in the third person today because it sounded funny in her head when she was stumbling around in the dark last night.

Last night, Nicole discovered that if she ate, she didn't ache as much as if she didn't eat and so went into her kitchen at the dead of night searching for Pot Noodles and other edibles to devour.

In the dark, Nicole could see something wrapped up in shiny foil. She thought 'ooh, maybe it's chocolate' and reached out to touch it. She picked it up to see that it was dripping with something. She decided it probably wasn't chocolate and put it down, flicking on the light.

She noticed the lightswitch was covered in blood.

'MURDER!' she was about to scream. Then she saw that her hand was covered in blood too.

Not even nice, vampire-approved blood.

It was the horrible watery blood that you get when you defrost meat.

Needless to say, poor little vegetarian-of-nine-years Nicole was very nearly sick.

She even adopted a Lady MacBeth-esque attitude, scrubbing at her hands and croaking 'out damned spot' for the best of ten minutes.

Because Nicole is weird like that.

Nicole is also weird in the sense that she likes Chuck Norris jokes too, because laughing at Chuck Norris and/or his sheer awesomeness is something Nicole likes to do.

[N.B. If this isn't posted at approximately 3.30pm GMT and you see Nicole's head fly past your window in the next few seconds, you know that Chuck Norris heard that.]

[And only Chuck Norris' tears will be able to put Nicole back together again.]

[But Chuck Norris doesn't cry.]

[Ever.]

Actually, Nicole thinks that Chuck Norris would have no need for tear ducts, but then again, Chuck Norris can be a very thrifty little person. Maybe he's just supplying extra tears for his victims.

But then again Chuck Norris doesn't need a lot of things. It's a proven fact that Chuck Norris has no need for a Ctrl key on his computer, because Chuck Norris is always in control.

Unlike Nicole.

But Nicole is going now because she wants to learn how to kill two stones with one bird like Chuck Norris can.