This post is meant to be about Christmas.

I'm the worst neighbour in the world. My neighbours may be crazy and senile and scarily devout but they haven't come calling on me with a shotgun yet, perhaps because they are crazy and senile and scarily devout, but if I were them, I'd've ended myself a long time ago.

Instead, my neighbours much have heard me singing along to Barry White's "You're The First, The Last, My Everything" at 5am last week and interpreted thusly: They bought me a diary a la Bridget Jones for Christmas.

I LOVE YOU, YOU CRAZY OLD JOSSERS!

Seriously though, they're pretty great, even when they're inexplicably putting bricks in flowerpots.



The stone age must have been a pretty quirky time to be alive if this is any reflection.

For Christmas I got a lighter, a deck of cards and a fugload of alcohol, so I'm assuming my parents want me to start up a poker den of some variety.

Christmas dinner... Oh my God. I'll never look at a cheesecake again as long as I live. We meant to have pigs in blankets but we didn't have enough bacon so my sister cut it all up and wrapped up the sausages again. In the end we had pigs in flannels.

We drove to my grandma's... Had the shock of my life. I fell asleep with my neck in a funny position, and then woke up to my mum and sister yelling so I jerked awake, thinking we were going to crash or something. The jerk made my neck twist weirdly, my legs went tingly and all because a rabbit ran out in front of the car. It made a horrible popping noise as the car went over it.

On the way back home it rained like hell and the roads sheeted over with ice. It was pretty epic.

And now I'm here, drinking coca cola mixed with Cherry Sourz (it tastes like LIFE) and counting down the hours until I have to get up for work. Six hours left.

Hope you all had a fab Christmas and I'll invite you round for a game of poker once I've learnt how to stop sucking so hard at it.*

*The last time I played poker I won, but it wasn't because I was awesome at the game, it was because I'm so bad at it the stars aligned and caused a paradox.